So my last post was about clomid, well we have started seeing a new doctor, and we did our first round of clomid with follicle monitoring and an hcg shot! everything went pretty well, I actually had one very good size follicle, and I did ovulate, but no positive pregnancy! I then took a break for a month due to family stuff, and hopefully this month can be the month! I thought I had it all emotionally under control! I thought I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't work. I thought I would just be okay with the fact that their was always next time, but today I am not feeling okay, today I am on the brink of losing it!!! I am on the medicine to start my cycle, and then we continue from there, but it hasn't started and I am anxious and scared and nervous and emotional and the thought keeps coming to me, What if this never works? What if we are not supposed to have another child? What if this isn't Gods plan? And it makes me want to scream and cry! Maybe it is just the hormones? I don't know, but the thought of not having another child hurts so bad, and the thought of not trying makes me panic.
I know for a lot of people, it never happens. and I just pray that if I become that person I could handle it, but right now I can't.
I know why these emotions are surfacing, I blame it partially on the hormones, and partially on my brother in law for announcing this morning that they are pregnant again, but this time with twins!!! I want to be happy for them, I want to shout for joy and celebrate the life of these precious babies, a baby is a wonderful gift from god. I want to be happy for them, and I have tried every thing, to make myself feel happy for them. I have prayed all day and thanked my Heavenly Father for every blessing I have ever received, but the pain is still there. And the question I will never voice aloud still keeps coming to mind, Why not me? I know this is my trial, I know this is my refiners fire, and I know personally people who have a lot worse trials in there lives, and I know I shouldn't feel this way. I am trying not to! I know my Heavenly Father loves me. And I know someday it won't hurt soo bad, I just hope and pray with my whole soul, that that day will come real soon!
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