Its been years since I have felt this way, and I cant decide if something has triggered it, or if I have just buried it for so long, that these emotions are refusing to remain buried.
I feel angry, and I feel as if I cant catch my breath, and at any moment I feel like I might just explode and sob and I dont Know where this is coming from.I thought that if I dealt with the emotions that come along with infertility, then they would be gone. But today I realized how very very wrong I was. Its like you are sailing along, and everything is good, and you can even look at babies, and hold babies, and talk about babies, and then when you least expect it, you get broadsided with the overwhelming emotions, and no matter how hard you try to pretend everything is fine, your heart and mind are screaming that it is not fine. They are demanding to be felt and heard, they are demanding to be expressed. And the tears are demanding to be shed no matter how hard you try not to let them fall. I cant breathe. I don't want to feel, I don't want to cry, I want to be fine. I don't want this anymore. I thought I could handle this, I thought I was past this. But I am grasping at strings, and I am missing them. Maybe my mind and heart are just demanding that I let myself feel these things, and then I will be OK. I will be ok, I have to be ok, I cant fall apart again. I am strong! I am allowed to scream, I am allowed to cry, but my heart wont allow me to give up. But I am afraid because I know I cant fight forever,
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