9 Months!

It's been almost 9 months since I last posted.  9 months is a long time.  Alot can happen in 9 months. Alot ..... like the fact that I am 9 months pregnant with our miracle baby boy!!!! I never dreamed I would be saying that! But as I lay here in bed, feeling him kick and move, I cant help but feel such immense joy and gratitude!  He was conceived without any fertility treatments or help! He was an unexpected blessing.  He has done so much for my head, and my heart.  I feel like a broken missing piece of me is healed!  I cant wait for his birth, but yet I want to savor and remember every moment of this pregnancy.   I fought a long hard painful battle for 11 years, to get where I am today. I don't want to forget, or miss a single moment of this pregnancy.  It has been an adventure.  And a hard fought battle. And I thank my Heavenly Father every day for this blessing! He truly is a gift from God!

I can't........

 Its been years since I have felt this way, and I cant decide if something has triggered it, or if I have just buried it for so long, that these emotions are refusing to remain buried.
I feel angry, and I feel as if I cant catch my breath, and at any moment I feel like I might just explode and sob and I dont Know where this is coming from.I thought that if I dealt with the emotions that come along with infertility, then they would be gone.  But today I realized how very very wrong I was.   Its like you are sailing along, and everything is good, and you can even look at babies, and hold babies, and talk about babies, and then when you least expect it, you get broadsided with the overwhelming emotions, and no matter how hard you try to pretend everything is fine, your heart and mind are screaming that it is not fine.  They are demanding to be felt and heard, they are demanding to be expressed.  And the tears are demanding to be shed no matter how hard you try not to let them fall.   I cant breathe.  I don't want to feel, I don't want to cry, I want to be fine. I don't want this anymore.  I thought I could handle this, I thought I was past this. But I am grasping at strings, and I am missing them. Maybe my mind and heart are just demanding that I let myself feel these things, and then I will be OK.  I will be ok, I have to be ok, I cant fall apart again. I am strong!  I am allowed to scream, I am allowed to cry, but my heart wont allow me to give up. But I am afraid because I know I cant fight forever,
 

2016 in a blur

     2016 is almost over. and I have failed to post a single thing!
It's been a Year!   Many changes have come to my life in the last year.
  I have now been working at the High school for over a year now.
I have experienced many new things in my job.
I have learned many things, and have seen and learned things that sometimes I wish I hadn't seen or learned!
   But one of the most amazing things is the relationships I have formed with these young people.
 I look back to when I was there age( which is a lot longer ago than I will admit) and I see what they face today, and I want to cry for them.
  I have spent many nights crying for these young people who just want to be loved and accepted.
 And I have spent many hours trying to figure out how I could adopt them all and make their lives better.
  But I can't!  And not being able to fix something is hard for me!  I can only listen, and let them know that I care, and I will listen without judgment, but I will always add my kindly spoken 2 sense if they are doing wrong.
      If I was doing this job for the money I would not have lasted a year.
 But each day I go to work, hoping to make a positive difference in some teenagers life each day.
  I hope that I am not the only one that acknowledges them each day, but if I am, I am glad I did.
This job has come with struggles, and heartache, and lots and lots of frustration.
   But when a student walks into your office and says" Mrs, Jones, I just need to talk to you for a minute, it's been a rough day"  or they come up to you and say I missed you, where were you?"
 or they hug you and say," You actually care about me don't you?" it makes it worth going everyday.

Life is amazing, and the daily lessons and experiences we endure are so uniquely individual, that there is no way I could ever deny that God has a hand in my life each and every day!
  If you would have asked me 14 months ago What my life would look like today, i would have never imagined or thought I would be where I am today, or doing what I am today!
  But here I am!  And here I am learning, and here I am growing, but most importantly, here I am stretching outside my comfort zone, trying to be a positive influence in the life of someone each day!
  here is hoping that I can be, and I can continue to learn right along with these young people!

 

I love this time of year!!!!

Well, it's September! My absolute favorite time of the year!! I can't decide if it's the cooler weather, the sights and smells of harvest time, or the beautiful colors of fall that I love most.
   I love this time of year!!! I love wearing warm sweaters, and cute boots and watching the tractors and combines in the fields.
   I love having a fire in our fire pit on a cool evening I love the smell of change in the air!
  I love trying to guess when the first snow will fall, and how long, our all too short fall, will last.
I love making pumpkin rolls and pumpkin cookies. I love all things pumpkin!!!!  I know for some it is a dreaded time of year.   I know many who dread the approach of winter, the long cold nights, the blowing cold wind, the snow. The very short days, with not much sunshine.
  But I love all seasons.  I love the change and the variety of all things.  For everything there is a season!
   If there is nothing I have learned in my 3 decades it is that there is a time and purpose for everything.  And we can spend all our timed energy complaining about it and dreading it and hoping it goes away.... Or we can just accept what is, and find the good, and beauty in all things and situations.  I will be the first to admit that I am not in any way, shape or form, the best at finding the good and beauty in all things.  I catch myself , far more often than I like , complaining.   But I constantly remind myself, there is a time and season for all things, there is reason and purpose in all situations, either  good, or bad. There is a lesson to be learned in all things.   But if we spend so much time dwelling on the things we dislike, we will never find the time or opportunity to learn , and grow, and find the purpose and meaning in our lives.  I am a firm believer in God!  I am a firm believer in life. I believe their is a plan for me. I believe that every heartache, and pain, and trial I have endured, has shaped me, and molded me, and prepared me for the next go round.  Have I always felt that way about my heartaches?  No.  I have spent many long tearful nights wishing and hoping and praying that I would not have to endure this trial. I have spent too many days being angry, and asking ,"why me?"  I have spent many days, even weeks ,and months dwelling on my lack, instead of my bounty.  And I would be lying if I said I don't have any more " whoa is me" moments. But they get fewer and farther between each day..   I have been able to stop, and turn around, and look back at my life, and my tough times, and my trials, and realize that those trials built me, they shaped me, they have helped me see beyond me, and see the need in others, and myself.   If I have learned nothing else I have learned this.  My Heavenly Father loves me! And he is aware of me, as an individual.  He has not forgotten or forsaken me!  We each endure, every day, some hardship, or struggle.  To each his own.  But the awesome amazing thing is, that as children of God, sometimes we are given our struggles so we can help others through their trials.    I have had the privilege to be associated with many amazing women who have lifted me, and strengthened me, through their examples of how they endured their own trials, and I hope and pray that by some small measure, I have been able to touch someone else's life for the better.
   I love this time of year!!  But then again, I have my reasons for loving every time of year!

Emotional Sunday

  So its the first Sunday my hunky husband has had to work the afternoon shift at work.
 And it has been a rough Sunday.
  You never realize how used to a certain routine you can get, and how lonely and unprepared you are when it changes.
  Or how unprepared you are to deal with an emotional outburst from a ten year old all by yourself!
 But she doesn't do well with routine changes either, so when dad leaves after the first hour of church and you know you wont see him till the next morning, I guess that's the signal to bring up all the hard emotional questions  that mom has a hard time responding too.
 The ride home from church was miserable, for both of us!
When she bursts into tears and tells you that all she really wants is a little sister, and it hurts when kids ask her why she doesn't have any siblings. Ya... its kinda rough.   Its a tender subject for all of us.  And you think that it only effects you.  But I was wrong, it effects every member of our family.
We all long for another member of our family.  And no matter what you try to do to fill that void, it never quite feels right.
  We even got a new puppy to try and keep her mind occupied, but to no avail.
 And its moments like the ride on the way home from church, that you realize you are still so unprepared to deal with your own emotions, let alone your child's aching heart.
 Its moments like this that you wonder, What am I going to say? How can I comfort her, when my heart is breaking, how can I keep it together when i just want to pull over and cry too?  Its moments like this that I am reminded why I was given such an amazing husband, he always had the answer, and the ability to console her, and comfort me at the same time, Even though I know his heart aches as much as ours!
  I know the answer, I know this is my trial to bear. I know this is a learning and growing experience for us.  I know it has taught me soo much,  I just hope I can convey that message to a ten year old with an broken heart.  I love her so much!! And I am soo grateful that my Heavenly Father gave her to us.  She is truly a gift.  Her name means gift from God!
And so after this rough day my new motto is..., I CAN do this!!!  And I know I can!!

Getting the upper hand!

It's been a while, a long while since I have posted. Not because I don't have anything to write, but probably because I let so much time pass, and I feel like I can never catch up on what has happened, and what I have learned.
   Time is a great teacher, and only time will tell how things are going.
Am I pregnant yet? No.  I am still on my forever quest, for the secret cure for PCOS.
 I do feel like I am getting closer, and I am getting things more under control.
Have things gotten easier? No.  between a knee surgery and a D&C , I am no stranger to a hospital this past year.  
   I have an amazing doctor that has helped me a ton, but I still feel so limited, and at times, so helpless. 
  I did discover the Paleo diet.  BEST diet ever for PCOS girls.  First diet I have ever been able to lose a significant amount of weight on and keep it off.
  I am officially an oiler, as they call us, I have found essential oils have helped a lot.
 And I am a huge fan of castor oil!!  If you want to know what any of those things can do for PCOS, just ask me, or Google, or Pinterest. 
  I have learned so much this past year, I love the opportunities I have had to help others through the knowledge I have gained.  Knowledge truly is power!!!    I want to hold the keys to my health, my happiness, and my future. 
 And so if I have to spend the rest of my life studying and learning, just to help one person, live a happier healthier life, I will do it. 
PCOS wont control my life forever. I wont let it.  I cant let it.
   I have the keys to help my self, now if only I can have the iron clad willpower to always follow through!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness,  is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately.
 The relationships we form throughout our lives can be very different and varied.
Most of the relationships we form in our lives are by choice. There are only a few relationships that we don't get to choose,  those being the Mother who gave birth to us and our Father.
  I was blessed to be born into a family who loved me, and wanted me.
I have two parents whose life goal was to make their children feel loved and safe, and to keep them safe. I chose to form strong relationships with all of my siblings, whom I love very much. And I consider them some of my best friends.
   But I realize that not all children are born into a family like mine.  Not all children are loved, and sadly not all children are wanted.  That is a hard concept for me to understand. First off because I was blessed with an amazing family. And second, because I want soo badly to have more children to love.
  But I have met and formed close relationships with individuals who have never felt that love, or that safety, that a close family brings.
  And that brings me to forgiveness.  How do you become a functioning adult with good people skills and the ability to love and let others love you , and to trust others, when you have no idea what that feels like?  The key, I  have learned, is forgiveness.
  Forgiveness is a big word and it is a big process.  I have learned through experience that forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.  Forgiveness takes a lot of work, that is the reason it is easier to hold a grudge or be angry. Because yes, anger can be exhausting, but forgiveness is worse.
  I have unknowingly held to much anger inside and too many grudges.  And I didn't realize how they effected me till I made the conscious decision to let it go , and forgive.
 Forgiving, is not only healing to us as individuals, but also to those whom we forgive.
We all make mistakes, we are human, we screw up, we have faults and shortcomings, we are sometimes stupid and self centered. We sometimes believe that the world owes us.
  I am glad that in spite of my human tendencies, I can be forgiven, not only by those around me, but by the very God who created me.   I am sure we all look back at our pasts, and the thought that crosses many of our minds is, man was I stupid!.  But thankfully I believe in forgiveness.  I believe in letting past mistakes be past mistakes, looking forward and not behind.
 However  I wish I was as lenient on others as others are on me.
I realize that family is harder to forgive than friends.  I realize that as a sister or daughter, I am way more judgmental than I am as a friend.  I realize that I need to extend a whole lot more forgiveness to those I love most.  Because I know I would hate it if every time I was with family they dredged up every little past mistake I had ever made.   Forgiveness is a choice. And so, I choose to forgive!