Emotional Sunday

  So its the first Sunday my hunky husband has had to work the afternoon shift at work.
 And it has been a rough Sunday.
  You never realize how used to a certain routine you can get, and how lonely and unprepared you are when it changes.
  Or how unprepared you are to deal with an emotional outburst from a ten year old all by yourself!
 But she doesn't do well with routine changes either, so when dad leaves after the first hour of church and you know you wont see him till the next morning, I guess that's the signal to bring up all the hard emotional questions  that mom has a hard time responding too.
 The ride home from church was miserable, for both of us!
When she bursts into tears and tells you that all she really wants is a little sister, and it hurts when kids ask her why she doesn't have any siblings. Ya... its kinda rough.   Its a tender subject for all of us.  And you think that it only effects you.  But I was wrong, it effects every member of our family.
We all long for another member of our family.  And no matter what you try to do to fill that void, it never quite feels right.
  We even got a new puppy to try and keep her mind occupied, but to no avail.
 And its moments like the ride on the way home from church, that you realize you are still so unprepared to deal with your own emotions, let alone your child's aching heart.
 Its moments like this that you wonder, What am I going to say? How can I comfort her, when my heart is breaking, how can I keep it together when i just want to pull over and cry too?  Its moments like this that I am reminded why I was given such an amazing husband, he always had the answer, and the ability to console her, and comfort me at the same time, Even though I know his heart aches as much as ours!
  I know the answer, I know this is my trial to bear. I know this is a learning and growing experience for us.  I know it has taught me soo much,  I just hope I can convey that message to a ten year old with an broken heart.  I love her so much!! And I am soo grateful that my Heavenly Father gave her to us.  She is truly a gift.  Her name means gift from God!
And so after this rough day my new motto is..., I CAN do this!!!  And I know I can!!

Getting the upper hand!

It's been a while, a long while since I have posted. Not because I don't have anything to write, but probably because I let so much time pass, and I feel like I can never catch up on what has happened, and what I have learned.
   Time is a great teacher, and only time will tell how things are going.
Am I pregnant yet? No.  I am still on my forever quest, for the secret cure for PCOS.
 I do feel like I am getting closer, and I am getting things more under control.
Have things gotten easier? No.  between a knee surgery and a D&C , I am no stranger to a hospital this past year.  
   I have an amazing doctor that has helped me a ton, but I still feel so limited, and at times, so helpless. 
  I did discover the Paleo diet.  BEST diet ever for PCOS girls.  First diet I have ever been able to lose a significant amount of weight on and keep it off.
  I am officially an oiler, as they call us, I have found essential oils have helped a lot.
 And I am a huge fan of castor oil!!  If you want to know what any of those things can do for PCOS, just ask me, or Google, or Pinterest. 
  I have learned so much this past year, I love the opportunities I have had to help others through the knowledge I have gained.  Knowledge truly is power!!!    I want to hold the keys to my health, my happiness, and my future. 
 And so if I have to spend the rest of my life studying and learning, just to help one person, live a happier healthier life, I will do it. 
PCOS wont control my life forever. I wont let it.  I cant let it.
   I have the keys to help my self, now if only I can have the iron clad willpower to always follow through!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness,  is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately.
 The relationships we form throughout our lives can be very different and varied.
Most of the relationships we form in our lives are by choice. There are only a few relationships that we don't get to choose,  those being the Mother who gave birth to us and our Father.
  I was blessed to be born into a family who loved me, and wanted me.
I have two parents whose life goal was to make their children feel loved and safe, and to keep them safe. I chose to form strong relationships with all of my siblings, whom I love very much. And I consider them some of my best friends.
   But I realize that not all children are born into a family like mine.  Not all children are loved, and sadly not all children are wanted.  That is a hard concept for me to understand. First off because I was blessed with an amazing family. And second, because I want soo badly to have more children to love.
  But I have met and formed close relationships with individuals who have never felt that love, or that safety, that a close family brings.
  And that brings me to forgiveness.  How do you become a functioning adult with good people skills and the ability to love and let others love you , and to trust others, when you have no idea what that feels like?  The key, I  have learned, is forgiveness.
  Forgiveness is a big word and it is a big process.  I have learned through experience that forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.  Forgiveness takes a lot of work, that is the reason it is easier to hold a grudge or be angry. Because yes, anger can be exhausting, but forgiveness is worse.
  I have unknowingly held to much anger inside and too many grudges.  And I didn't realize how they effected me till I made the conscious decision to let it go , and forgive.
 Forgiving, is not only healing to us as individuals, but also to those whom we forgive.
We all make mistakes, we are human, we screw up, we have faults and shortcomings, we are sometimes stupid and self centered. We sometimes believe that the world owes us.
  I am glad that in spite of my human tendencies, I can be forgiven, not only by those around me, but by the very God who created me.   I am sure we all look back at our pasts, and the thought that crosses many of our minds is, man was I stupid!.  But thankfully I believe in forgiveness.  I believe in letting past mistakes be past mistakes, looking forward and not behind.
 However  I wish I was as lenient on others as others are on me.
I realize that family is harder to forgive than friends.  I realize that as a sister or daughter, I am way more judgmental than I am as a friend.  I realize that I need to extend a whole lot more forgiveness to those I love most.  Because I know I would hate it if every time I was with family they dredged up every little past mistake I had ever made.   Forgiveness is a choice. And so, I choose to forgive!

Lessons re learned

Today has been... one of those days.   It's been one of those days that I have been on the verge of tears all day, for no apparent reason!  I believe it is called being female, or hormonal, or something along those lines.
But despite the "almost" tears, today has helped me relearn many important lessons about my self, and about others.  I have learned that one of Satan's greatest tools is discouragement. I have learned that looking beyond what is being said, to what they are really trying to say, is very important.  I have learned that forgiveness and understanding get you farther than impatience and anger.
And through all the lessons being re taught today, I relearned, or rather was reminded, of the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  I am thankful for the character traits, or gifts that he has blessed me with.
I am thankful for an earthly Father who showed and taught me great patience.  I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through the trials I have been given.  I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave me the choice to come here, and to choose my path.  I am grateful for a Savior who was willing to give his life for me, so that I could be with my Father again.  I am grateful for so many things.  I am grateful for the man I married, I am grateful that he loves me.  I am grateful that his weak moments, are at the times I feel the strongest, and I am grateful that my weak moments are when he feels strongest.  We are blessed to lift each other and put our lives into perspective.
 I have also been blessed with a wonderful mother, I feel ashamed of myself that it was so hard to write that last sentence, but she is a strong woman with a big heart, and she has taught me a lot.
I am ashamed to say I spend too much time dwelling on her imperfections, that I fail to appreciate the good things she has brought to my life.  I just hope that others are kinder towards my weaknesses than I have been towards hers.  I have come to realize that our Heavenly Father gave us the choice of the path we could follow, and some individuals chose a harder path so they could help others and become a better stronger person.  She is one of those people.   She was given a harder path to follow early in life, and has come out of those trials and hardships amazingly well.  I can't say I would have had the strength she did.  But I love her for all the good things about her.  I love that she is such a good grandmother, and she loves everyone.  She is a friend to the poor in spirit, and the poor in heart.  She is a great example of compassion, and love, and I love her for that. I have relearned to look at the true person and to find the good in others.    I have also relearned what awesome people my siblings are!! We grew up together, being very close .  We had so much fun with each other, and I miss them all terribly,  I love them all. And I am so proud of the people they have become.  I am also a firm believer that you are given people in your life to be your friend and confidant always, and that's what my siblings are to me!!!
 So that sums up my day of re learning.  And I know I will have to relearn these lessons over and over again throughout my life, but today has been an awesome day!  now I will go to bed, and maybe............cry!!!

Christmas comes but once a year.

   My amazing husband just informed me that Christmas is only 2 weeks away!
His words were, " Just so you know, you only have 2 weeks till Christmas"!
  I guess that is his way of saying I need to get motivated and accomplish what needs to be accomplished before December 25th!  So..........
I will boldly admit that it is December 12th, and I have not bought a single Christmas gift for anyone.
  I am usually not the worlds worst procrastinator, but this year I feel that if I refuse to acknowledge that my year is almost over, then it will not end.
  I feel that if I start shopping and buying and focusing on all the "stuff" that comes with Christmas, then I might lose focus.  I might forget what Christmas is.  And I will lose the magic I see in my daughters eyes as she hangs the Christmas stockings, or decorates the tree. Or the joy on her face as she  hangs lights in her room.   So I guess I am not procrastinating, or refusing to admit that Christmas is almost upon us.
     I am just refusing to lose the peace and contentment  I am feeling, just watching the joy it all brings to my daughter.  She is eight this year. In almost a month she will turn nine.  It just hit me that soon she wont believe in Santa Clause, and soon she will be questioning all those magical childhood stories. And I am not ready for her to lose the magic of childhood.   I am not ready because seeing that magic in her eyes, is my favorite part of the holidays.   She is my magic!
         Tonight before bed we read a story about a family that didn't put the baby Jesus in their nativity scene till Christmas morning to remind them that we are all waiting for our savior, just like the wise men and shepherds, and Joseph and Mary.  So she asked me if we could wait till Christmas morning to put baby Jesus in our Nativity.   And I wanted to cry, I love her, and her faith, and acceptance, and all she is and does, to remind me of the amazing love our Heavenly Father has for me.  She truly is an amazing Christmas
gift.
        She got in trouble and had to stay after school for the first time ever today.  I asked her what she had learned from what she did wrong, and she gave me a whole list of grown up answers of things she had learned, and then she came home and did her homework, and practiced her times tables and when I reminded her to write properly she burst into tears.   My first thought was to ask her what in the world was wrong and tell her to stop crying. But then the mom in me asked her if it had just been a rough day?  She said yes and cried harder, so I asked her if she needed a hug, and she fell into my arms crying.  Within a few minutes she was better and happy and content.  I don't ever want her to outgrow the stage where a hug or kiss can make it all better, but I know someday it will happen. But for now I will remember that Christmas comes but once a year, and  thankfully I am the mother of this beautiful child ,every day all year long. And I will find a way to accomplish, all that "stuff" but hopefully not lose the magic of it all!

When life gives you lemons.

So life has given me lots of lemons over the past couple months.

  The first being the passing of my amazing Grandfather.  This has been the hardest lemon to try and make into lemonade, but I am trying daily to find the positive in this and to look for ways my life has been blessed for knowing and loving this man.    I miss him so much!  He was a constant in my life.
   I learned a lot from being there with him in his final hours and seeing his love for all his family who were present.   He has taught me that families are forever, and goodbye is not the end! He told us all, see ya later!  And I know I truly will!

     My next lemon has come in the form of illness.   First my daughter, she was so sick we ended up in the E.R.  After a week of fevers and puking, four bags of fluid, and some amazing anti nausea medicine, she began to recover!   That lemon taught me to make lemonade in the form of gratitude!    I think we all need these" lemons" to help keep us grateful for the little things in life, like 2 hours, of uninterrupted sleep, or that she made it to the toilet to puke instead of all across the kitchen floor again!  But mostly gratitude when her fever broke, and she was able to rest soundly, or the moments when she just wanted mom to hold her.   I am grateful to be her mom! She is such a blessing in my life!
  The most difficult lemon I have dealt with lately is my husband!!!!  Well he isn't a lemon, he is amazing and wonderful and all that other mushy gushy stuff that you can say about the love of your life!  
    Two weeks after our daughter got sick, he did also.  So naturally we assume it is the same thing, and as long as he is staying hydrated we were going to let it run it's coarse.    But it didn't , he just got worse and with different symptoms, so I finally dragged him out of bed and carried him to the E.R.   Now just for information purpose, we have been married for almost 10 years, and none of us have ever had to go to the E.R.  for ten years!  So 2 in two weeks is defiantly a record!    So after every test imaginable and 6 hours in the E.R. We are told he most likely has West Nile Virus, but the tests won't be back for a few days.  We'll a few days later it was confirmed to be west Nile.
   So of coarse I spend the next day or so researching the heck out of WNV.  And I didn't like what I found.  It has made him tired constantly he has lost a lot of weight, the headaches and loss of appetite, on top of being susceptible to every cold that blows in the wind.  It's been a challenge to stay positive, it's been a challenge to find the "lemonade" of it all.  So on bad days we count the good days, and on good days we thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings we have.   Our motto is , it could be worse!
It is definitely a lesson on patience and trusting in the lords will and timing.

Which brings me to my final "Lemon" !  Another failed fertility treatment!  Yes everything looked perfect!  The count was amazing the egg was good size, I actually  O'd.  But it didn't happen.
  So I am taking a break.  I need a breather and I need some time to get my head back in the game and some time to learn and to make lemonade.
    My lemonade from this lemon has led me on the journey to better me!
I am going to the gym everyday with friends and I am actually loving it!!!
 Trying new workouts and learning more about being a healthier better me!  I feel amazing after only 2 weeks back at the gym!  So as for my "lemons" you can join me any day you would like, I have been given enough lemons to make a huge batch of lemonade!!!!!!

Grandpa

  My blog thus far has seemed to focus on a reoccurring theme, infertility.
  But the title of my blog is re defining moments. 
  Most of these moments have come through my infertility struggles, but today they come in a different form. 
  The form of cancer, not for me or my immediate family, but for my grandfather.
he has been battling cancer for a few months now.
  Don't get me wrong, this isn't the first dealings of cancer that I have ever experienced, I have seen it first hand with friends or family before.  But this is the first time I have actually seen the cancer get the upper hand.  My grandfather is an amazing man.  He has raised an amazing family.  He has a great legacy laid out before him.   My grandfather is the second of 12 children, he has been married to his best friend for 58 years and counting.  He has two sons and two daughters and  twenty one grandchildren, who adore him, and look up to him as the patriarch of our family.  He is the rock and the foundation of our family. He has numerous great grandchildren who love and adore him, and who love to spend time with him.      To his great grandchildren he has many names, grandpa Ernie, grandpa don't mess around, grandpa Bluffdale, Grandpa magic, but to all of us he is grandpa.
  No problem is to big or to small for grandpa.  He is the first one to laugh or smile, and the first one to crack a joke.   He has always been a constant in my life, and I can't fathom the thought that that constant might not be their.  Some of my greatest lessons I have learned from my grandpa!   I have learned that you don't mess around.  I have learned that the best operation you could have is an octarectamy, and that he shows grandma he loves her by teasing her!
  I moved away from grandma and grandpa as a teenager, only getting to see them once or twice a year.  But no matter the distance, I know they love me.   I know that they are there for me, and I know that they would do whatever they could do for me.   They are constants in my life.   In a world that is always changing, we cling to that which is constant, and the mere thought ,that on of my constants could change, is heartbreaking .   But I know that I must ,and will trust in my Heavenly Father.   He is ultimately in control, and his will is what will happen. I just pray that  my Heavenly fathers will, will
be the same as my will.  We will all keep hoping and praying and fighting for grandpa!  Because he is our grandpa, our friend , and our hero!