The beginning

So just a brief recap to make what I have posted on this blog make sense.
 I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter.  so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever!   So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was  very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster .  I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility".  Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through.   It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had.  I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
  I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father.   I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives.  I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did.  I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us.   We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned.  But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself.  For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide.  I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it  didn't.  But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day.  So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !

Pain? (january 2012)

I have truly come to know what the scriptures mean when they say past feeling, or hardened your heart! Tonight I came to an astounding discovery about myself. I have become this way about certain trials in my life that I have had to face. I have made the unconscious decision somewhere along this journey that not feeling would be easier than feeling the pain . And so I hardened my heart, to not feel the pain, and tonight, It scared me to realize I could be that way, it scared me to realize I couldn't emotionally feel what I needed to feel, and so it has made me ponder my thoughts and my heart, and to wonder if this unconscious decision to not feel has effected my relationships with my Heavenly Father and my loved ones in any way . And so, I am consciously making the decision to feel . Pain is as big of a part of life as Joy and happiness and you can't feel one without the other, so here's to life! And the pain and joy that come with it!

Hope hurts (feb 2012)

I have been taught my whole life to have faith, and I truly do have faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have faith in their plan for me , and I have faith that I will someday be in there presence and see and talk to them face to face.
But I have also been taught my whole life that the definition of faith is: to hope for things not seen. But can you have faith without hope?
I know every scripture I have ever read combines faith and hope, and a lot of times charity. Are they inseparable virtues?
I have spent many, probably too many nights, laying awake wondering if I could truly have faith without hope, because hope hurts.
I don't know where the line is, or if there is even a line, between faith and hope, or if they could possibly be one in the same, but I want to have faith without the pain that accompanies hope, after my hopes are dashed.
But then I am probably putting my hope in the wrong place.
I should have faith and hope that my Heavenly Father will grant me the peace, and the patients and the endurance to climb the next mountain, just to realize there is another mountain even taller that I must climb, and I know that if I quit hoping, then somewhere along the way i will quit climbing because having faith without hope won't work. So as I climb my mountain and reach the summit, just to realize I must drop into a valley and begin the climb of another, taller mountain, I will hope that on top of one of these mountains, my hopes will be realized. Because I know that no matter how much it hurts, my Savior has already felt that pain for me. I am not climbing my mountains alone, and I am not walking through these valleys unaccompanied. If I will let him, my savior will walk with me, and I know that when I feel I can't climb one more mountain, and I drop to my knees in tears and desperation, he will take my hand and lift my head and give me the strength to climb, and if i cant muster the strength,he will carry me up the next one.
It has happened many times, and I have faith that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible.
So I guess I have just answered my own question, no, faith without hope won't work. Because faith is hope!
But I guess i will have to wait to know why hope has to hurt

Joy in the journey (feb 2012)

Faith is an age old concept that I have been taught from a little child, its something that we have always had to strive for. We are taught in primary how to have faith, and we are told of the blessings that come through having faith. In my last post I talked about hope, not an entirely new concept either, but one that I feel I haven't yet grasped the full concept of.  But I am working on it. I t is another one of those concepts that isn't taught as much as faith but I remember it always being paired along with faith.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.

I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
    As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
 With my Heavenly father.  I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do?  I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me.  I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters.  And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.

Beautiful heartbreak. (march 2012)

This morning was one of those beautiful spring mornings that just call to your soul.
It rained all day yesterday, So as the sun was slowly rising this beautiful spring morning, it almost felt like a new world, everything seemed so new and so clear and so clean. The wind was blowing through the trees and bringing with it the earthy aroma of damp leaves and trees. And the fragrant smells of spring! It was an amazing morning, and as I returned home after dropping Hannah off at school I couldn't bring myself to go inside. So I grabbed the dog and we went for a walk.
I couldn't help but admire Gods beautiful creations around me, I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be here right now at this very moment. I couldn't help but to be so amazed and so humbled to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
It was one of those odd moments when for the hour I was walking time seemed to slow down, and I was seeing things differently than I have in a long time. Every bird seemed to be out, singing of a beautiful day! That was until the dog decided they needed to fly away!
And as I was walking a song that I truly love, came to mind, It's called beautiful Heartbreak. There was a part of the song that made me realize what I was truly experiencing this morning.

"I had it all mapped out in front of me, I knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in front of me. I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around. Broken hearted I started climbing, and at the top I found. That every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view, and now that I am here, I would never trade. The grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears, and the sleepless nights. I used to pray he would take it all away. But instead it became, a beautiful heartbreak! I never dreamed my heart would make it, and I thought about turning around. But heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. So I take the rain with the sunshine, cause there is one thing I know.  He picks up the pieces along each broken road."

I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, I wouldn't trade the pain or the heartbreak. Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. This morning I had the opportunity to see some of Gods amazing creations, and to bask in his light, and I feel truly blessed to be here where I am at this time. No, it is not how I planned it, but he sees the bigger picture, and he knows what mountains I need to climb to see the beauty in my life. And so I will love my beautiful heartbreak!

Here we go........Again! (march 2012)

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my dreaded yearly check up!
But as the doctor so clearly stated, I am at a very high risk for ovarian cancer so I feel it important to torture myself with these appointments!
On the bright side I have lost weight since my last appointment!

But Collins and I still have a great desire to have another child and I talked to the doctor about going through that process again! We have taken a break from the fertility treatments for about a year and a half now, it was too emotionally draining, to get your hopes up, and then find out it isn't going to happen this time.
So we are starting at square one again! But I feel like this time I am better mentally and emotionally prepared for the roller coaster ride!
I have spent many many hours learning all I can about PCOS and the effects it has on the body and the hormones.
I have just recently come to discover the diet I will be following to give the meds the best shot they can, and most importantly, I feel my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my husband has strengthened more so that I can get through this emotionally with their help, better than last time!
It is amazing to realize how much we all take for granted every single day! I am as guilty as the next person. But taking for granted the love and support I get from my Heavenly Father, and my wonderful husband, is something I will not do.
For those who have not struggled to have a child, you are so blessed, to each his own trial in life, each is so different and each is just as trying as the next. but this trial has tried my faith and my relationship with my husband as well as with my Heavenly Father, and I am not proud to say that sometimes I let it get the best of me, but I feel that nothing could have given me the strength and the faith I have gained, like this trial has. let me clarify, I do not want this trial by any means!!! But I am grateful for the place it has brought me too in my life!
So as I sit here, trying to get my head back in the game and prepare myself for the roller coaster that is to come, I am reminded of a quote by Gordan B Hinckley, " Keep trying, be believing, Don't get discouraged, things will work out!!!! So here is to hope! once again here we go!


Jeffery R Holland "Some blessings come soon, Some blessings come late, and some don't come until heaven. but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come!"

To scared to try (july 2012)

So as I said we are starting the fertility process again, I went to the doctor in June, it is now August , and I have yet to go get the tests done I am supposed to. Why you may wonder? I was wondering why I always seem to come up with an excuse, and so I will admit, I am scared. I am terrified that it won't work, I am terrified of the pain of hoping. I am scared of every aspect of the emotions that I will feel. But I want this so badly, so it is a matter of does the fear out way the desire? I am searching for the balance and I hope to find it soon, I am just so scared.