Joy in the journey (feb 2012)

Faith is an age old concept that I have been taught from a little child, its something that we have always had to strive for. We are taught in primary how to have faith, and we are told of the blessings that come through having faith. In my last post I talked about hope, not an entirely new concept either, but one that I feel I haven't yet grasped the full concept of.  But I am working on it. I t is another one of those concepts that isn't taught as much as faith but I remember it always being paired along with faith.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.

I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
    As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
 With my Heavenly father.  I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do?  I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me.  I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters.  And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.