So do you ever think you have it all figured out finally, and then something has
to throw your life for a loop, again.
I thought I had it all planned out,
we were going to try the fertility treatments last month, they were going to
work, and we were going to have a baby again! pretty simple, right?
You
would think I would have learned by now that my plans, and the Lords plans don't
always follow the same direct path.
We found out that we will be moving
soon, my husband got a new job and so we decided that it would probably not be
the best time to move forward with the fertility treatments. We decided that
this would not be the ideal time for me to be pregnant when 90% of the work of
moving will be up to me.
But as I am typing this, all I can feel is like I
just gave up my one shot at another child.
I don't know why it feels like
that, I don't want to feel like that, but it does.
I started to let myself
feel like this might be reality, and it is not going to happen now, and I don't
know how it ever can.
I am excited for my husband, I am excited for
this new start for all of us. This job is something he has wanted for so long,
he has dreamed of this job and he has worked so hard to get this job, and it is
opening so many opportunities for him.
But I can't help but sort of feel
like we traded one dream for another.
Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel
like I need to give up and just except what is, I will be 30 next year, and that
is really hard to think about, not because of the aging thing, I don't care
about age, you are as young as you feel!
But 30 signifies a major change
in child bearing years, 30 means your on your way out of those years, 30 means
you are running out of time. When do you say ok, I am too old to try? When do
you admit defeat? I know you don't at 30, but when? If we have another child,
they will at least be 8years younger than Hannah.
I guess what is
still bothering me is I have a thousand questions, and not any answers.
I am
still emotionally in denial that we are moving, I shut down emotionally so that I
can physically act, I am going through the motions of moving, I am packing, and
tying up loose ends, I am getting everything ready physically. I am just afraid
of when those emotions are finally going to catch up, they do, they always
do.
So this is my random post, and my random thoughts, I find it is best
to pull them out of my head and put them else where so I can get my head back in
the game.
I worry and I fret and I think how in the heck are we going to do
this? And what on earth are we actually doing? But it all comes down ultimately,
to the fact that my Heavenly Father loves me, and he is in charge, and he knows
what he is doing. I just have to have the faith, and the patience to give him my
hand, and say, take me wherever thou wants me to go, your will not
mine.
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