The beginning

So just a brief recap to make what I have posted on this blog make sense.
 I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter.  so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever!   So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was  very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster .  I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility".  Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through.   It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had.  I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
  I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father.   I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives.  I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did.  I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us.   We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned.  But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself.  For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide.  I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it  didn't.  But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day.  So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !