So I have taken clomid multiple times, with no side effects, well not this time! I think I had every side effect I have ever read about! The hot flashes where the worst! But there was nausea and soreness, but the hardest was how angry I felt. My poor husband! Everything he said or did annoyed the heck out of me! I was snappy and mean, but I am so grateful that my husband put up with me and all my symptoms! Hopefully I wont have to take it too many more times!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Emotional Stages of Infertility
So this is a post that i have thought alot about over the last few years. It is a subject that i don't quite feel like i am qualified to post about, except for the fact that i have experienced every aspect of it. and i have slowly drudged my way through it, and dealt with every stage personally, so this is purely my very own opinion, and my uneducated psychological evaluation, of the stages of emotional grief, that come with infertility!
I call it the stages of infertility
The first stage is denial. We all go through the stages where we believe the doctor is wrong, and that it will just take time and we will become pregnant eventually. it is our way of dealing with the pain, it is the easiest way we know how to cope. We don't want to hurt, so we,deny! But most can't and won't stay in this stage forever. So then comes the kicker.
The second stage is anger.
It is the most powerful of all stages and emotions, it is the stage that can consume and control your life if you let it, I know i did for two too many years. but anger is a natural emotion that everyone feels when they feel betrayed, or forgotten, we don't like to feel hopeless or forgotten so it is only natural to feel anger, for me it was anger at god for putting me through this, anger for making me feel this pain and this emptiness, anger for the hurt i felt every time i saw a new baby , or someone said the were pregnant, anger at my husband for not understanding my anger, anger at myself, for being broken. anger at not being able to live up to the life and plans i had made, anger for not being able to give my daughter a sibling. But mostly just anger at having to feel this pain, cause it hurt, more than i ever thought possible. it was at this stage that i came to realize, i didn't like myself, i didn't like what and who i had become. I didn't like the way my marriage was going. I didn't like that i had distanced myself from everyone and everything, because i didn't want to feel the pain that being close to someone could bring. But sadly the worst part was that i had distanced myself from my heavenly father, because being close to him made me feel, and i didn't want to feel. But being angry all the time and at everyone, takes so much effort, it is exhausting, i didn't have time or room for anyone or anything else because i was to busy being angry.
And then came the third stage, i call it bargaining, i bargained with the lord alot, to no avail, i told him i would do better, i would be better, i would do what ever he wanted, if he would just give me another child. bargaining is our way of trying to regain control of the helplessness that we feel,
Then comes the fourth stage it is a depressing stage , i no longer felt anger which i thought would be refreshing, but at this stage, i felt nothing, and that to me was worse than feeling anger, my mind withdrew all emotion, and for a while it was a relief, to so blissfully feel nothing, a friend said she was pregnant! nothing, no anger, no tears, i could like this, but then it scared me when i couldn't,t emotionally respond to a situation that desperately called for an emotional response. To this day i fight daily to keep myself from slipping into this emotional nothingness, i am worth more than that, my family deserves better than that!
The fifth stage, it is the stage that i fought for,for 6 years, not everyone reaches this stage, i thank my Heavenly Father daily that i was able to reach this stage. it i the stage of acceptance, it is truly the most bliss full of all stages, i accept the fact that i have these issues, i accept the fact that my life isn't playing out like i had planned, but you know what, maybe the path my life is taking is better than the path i had planned. My Heavenly Father is aware of me, and my needs, and he loves me and wants me to be happy. It is the stage where you quit fighting, and say your will lord, not mine! It is the stage that you look back on the past years of this battle, and feel immense gratitude for the things you have learned, and the battles you have fought, and you look in the mirror and you see the person staring back at you is someone you never imagined you would see. And you are stronger and better for it. reaching the stage of acceptance, does not mean you have given up hope, and it doesn't mean you don't feel sad or angry sometimes, and it doesn't mean you don't still long for a child. Your human, but you have come to accept that come whatever may come, you will live your life to it's fullest and love it!
So this is Amy's theory of the stages of infertility. I felt all these emotions, i battled every day to get where i am at today, i have felt the pain and the anger and the helplessness and the nothingness, and finally the acceptance, wherever, you may be in your journey, please know that there is peace and happiness waiting for you, their is light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up, don't quit fighting, fight everyday for happiness, it is worth it, you are worth it,your family is worth it, but most importantly, you can't do it without our Heavenly father, and the love and support of your spouse.
But happiness is always possible!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The beginning
So just a brief recap to make what I have posted on this blog make sense.
I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter. so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever! So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster . I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility". Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through. It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had. I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives. I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did. I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us. We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned. But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself. For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide. I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it didn't. But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day. So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !
I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter. so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever! So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster . I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility". Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through. It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had. I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives. I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did. I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us. We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned. But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself. For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide. I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it didn't. But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day. So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !
Pain? (january 2012)
I have truly come to know what the scriptures mean when they say past feeling,
or hardened your heart! Tonight I came to an astounding discovery about myself.
I have become this way about certain trials in my life that I have had to face.
I have made the unconscious decision somewhere along this journey that not
feeling would be easier than feeling the pain . And so I hardened my heart, to
not feel the pain, and tonight, It scared me to realize I could be that way, it
scared me to realize I couldn't emotionally feel what I needed to feel, and so
it has made me ponder my thoughts and my heart, and to wonder if this
unconscious decision to not feel has effected my relationships with my Heavenly Father and my loved ones in any way . And so, I am consciously making the
decision to feel . Pain is as big of a part of life as Joy and happiness and you
can't feel one without the other, so here's to life! And the pain and joy that
come with it!
Hope hurts (feb 2012)
I have been taught my whole life to have faith, and I truly do have faith in my
Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have faith in their plan for me ,
and I have faith that I will someday be in there presence and see and talk to
them face to face.
But I have also been taught my whole life that the definition of faith is: to hope for things not seen. But can you have faith without hope?
I know every scripture I have ever read combines faith and hope, and a lot of times charity. Are they inseparable virtues?
I have spent many, probably too many nights, laying awake wondering if I could truly have faith without hope, because hope hurts.
I don't know where the line is, or if there is even a line, between faith and hope, or if they could possibly be one in the same, but I want to have faith without the pain that accompanies hope, after my hopes are dashed.
But then I am probably putting my hope in the wrong place.
I should have faith and hope that my Heavenly Father will grant me the peace, and the patients and the endurance to climb the next mountain, just to realize there is another mountain even taller that I must climb, and I know that if I quit hoping, then somewhere along the way i will quit climbing because having faith without hope won't work. So as I climb my mountain and reach the summit, just to realize I must drop into a valley and begin the climb of another, taller mountain, I will hope that on top of one of these mountains, my hopes will be realized. Because I know that no matter how much it hurts, my Savior has already felt that pain for me. I am not climbing my mountains alone, and I am not walking through these valleys unaccompanied. If I will let him, my savior will walk with me, and I know that when I feel I can't climb one more mountain, and I drop to my knees in tears and desperation, he will take my hand and lift my head and give me the strength to climb, and if i cant muster the strength,he will carry me up the next one.
It has happened many times, and I have faith that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible.
So I guess I have just answered my own question, no, faith without hope won't work. Because faith is hope!
But I guess i will have to wait to know why hope has to hurt
But I have also been taught my whole life that the definition of faith is: to hope for things not seen. But can you have faith without hope?
I know every scripture I have ever read combines faith and hope, and a lot of times charity. Are they inseparable virtues?
I have spent many, probably too many nights, laying awake wondering if I could truly have faith without hope, because hope hurts.
I don't know where the line is, or if there is even a line, between faith and hope, or if they could possibly be one in the same, but I want to have faith without the pain that accompanies hope, after my hopes are dashed.
But then I am probably putting my hope in the wrong place.
I should have faith and hope that my Heavenly Father will grant me the peace, and the patients and the endurance to climb the next mountain, just to realize there is another mountain even taller that I must climb, and I know that if I quit hoping, then somewhere along the way i will quit climbing because having faith without hope won't work. So as I climb my mountain and reach the summit, just to realize I must drop into a valley and begin the climb of another, taller mountain, I will hope that on top of one of these mountains, my hopes will be realized. Because I know that no matter how much it hurts, my Savior has already felt that pain for me. I am not climbing my mountains alone, and I am not walking through these valleys unaccompanied. If I will let him, my savior will walk with me, and I know that when I feel I can't climb one more mountain, and I drop to my knees in tears and desperation, he will take my hand and lift my head and give me the strength to climb, and if i cant muster the strength,he will carry me up the next one.
It has happened many times, and I have faith that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible.
So I guess I have just answered my own question, no, faith without hope won't work. Because faith is hope!
But I guess i will have to wait to know why hope has to hurt
Joy in the journey (feb 2012)
Faith is an age old concept that I have been taught from a little child, its
something that we have always had to strive for. We are taught in primary how to
have faith, and we are told of the blessings that come through having faith. In
my last post I talked about hope, not an entirely new concept either, but one
that I feel I haven't yet grasped the full concept of. But I am working on it. I
t is another one of those concepts that isn't taught as much as faith but I
remember it always being paired along with faith.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.
I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
With my Heavenly father. I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do? I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me. I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters. And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.
I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
With my Heavenly father. I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do? I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me. I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters. And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.
Beautiful heartbreak. (march 2012)
This morning was one of those beautiful spring mornings that just call to your
soul.
It rained all day yesterday, So as the sun was slowly rising this beautiful spring morning, it almost felt like a new world, everything seemed so new and so clear and so clean. The wind was blowing through the trees and bringing with it the earthy aroma of damp leaves and trees. And the fragrant smells of spring! It was an amazing morning, and as I returned home after dropping Hannah off at school I couldn't bring myself to go inside. So I grabbed the dog and we went for a walk.
I couldn't help but admire Gods beautiful creations around me, I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be here right now at this very moment. I couldn't help but to be so amazed and so humbled to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
It was one of those odd moments when for the hour I was walking time seemed to slow down, and I was seeing things differently than I have in a long time. Every bird seemed to be out, singing of a beautiful day! That was until the dog decided they needed to fly away!
And as I was walking a song that I truly love, came to mind, It's called beautiful Heartbreak. There was a part of the song that made me realize what I was truly experiencing this morning.
"I had it all mapped out in front of me, I knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in front of me. I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around. Broken hearted I started climbing, and at the top I found. That every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view, and now that I am here, I would never trade. The grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears, and the sleepless nights. I used to pray he would take it all away. But instead it became, a beautiful heartbreak! I never dreamed my heart would make it, and I thought about turning around. But heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. So I take the rain with the sunshine, cause there is one thing I know. He picks up the pieces along each broken road."
I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, I wouldn't trade the pain or the heartbreak. Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. This morning I had the opportunity to see some of Gods amazing creations, and to bask in his light, and I feel truly blessed to be here where I am at this time. No, it is not how I planned it, but he sees the bigger picture, and he knows what mountains I need to climb to see the beauty in my life. And so I will love my beautiful heartbreak!
It rained all day yesterday, So as the sun was slowly rising this beautiful spring morning, it almost felt like a new world, everything seemed so new and so clear and so clean. The wind was blowing through the trees and bringing with it the earthy aroma of damp leaves and trees. And the fragrant smells of spring! It was an amazing morning, and as I returned home after dropping Hannah off at school I couldn't bring myself to go inside. So I grabbed the dog and we went for a walk.
I couldn't help but admire Gods beautiful creations around me, I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be here right now at this very moment. I couldn't help but to be so amazed and so humbled to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
It was one of those odd moments when for the hour I was walking time seemed to slow down, and I was seeing things differently than I have in a long time. Every bird seemed to be out, singing of a beautiful day! That was until the dog decided they needed to fly away!
And as I was walking a song that I truly love, came to mind, It's called beautiful Heartbreak. There was a part of the song that made me realize what I was truly experiencing this morning.
"I had it all mapped out in front of me, I knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in front of me. I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around. Broken hearted I started climbing, and at the top I found. That every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view, and now that I am here, I would never trade. The grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears, and the sleepless nights. I used to pray he would take it all away. But instead it became, a beautiful heartbreak! I never dreamed my heart would make it, and I thought about turning around. But heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. So I take the rain with the sunshine, cause there is one thing I know. He picks up the pieces along each broken road."
I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, I wouldn't trade the pain or the heartbreak. Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. This morning I had the opportunity to see some of Gods amazing creations, and to bask in his light, and I feel truly blessed to be here where I am at this time. No, it is not how I planned it, but he sees the bigger picture, and he knows what mountains I need to climb to see the beauty in my life. And so I will love my beautiful heartbreak!
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