9 Months!

It's been almost 9 months since I last posted.  9 months is a long time.  Alot can happen in 9 months. Alot ..... like the fact that I am 9 months pregnant with our miracle baby boy!!!! I never dreamed I would be saying that! But as I lay here in bed, feeling him kick and move, I cant help but feel such immense joy and gratitude!  He was conceived without any fertility treatments or help! He was an unexpected blessing.  He has done so much for my head, and my heart.  I feel like a broken missing piece of me is healed!  I cant wait for his birth, but yet I want to savor and remember every moment of this pregnancy.   I fought a long hard painful battle for 11 years, to get where I am today. I don't want to forget, or miss a single moment of this pregnancy.  It has been an adventure.  And a hard fought battle. And I thank my Heavenly Father every day for this blessing! He truly is a gift from God!

I can't........

 Its been years since I have felt this way, and I cant decide if something has triggered it, or if I have just buried it for so long, that these emotions are refusing to remain buried.
I feel angry, and I feel as if I cant catch my breath, and at any moment I feel like I might just explode and sob and I dont Know where this is coming from.I thought that if I dealt with the emotions that come along with infertility, then they would be gone.  But today I realized how very very wrong I was.   Its like you are sailing along, and everything is good, and you can even look at babies, and hold babies, and talk about babies, and then when you least expect it, you get broadsided with the overwhelming emotions, and no matter how hard you try to pretend everything is fine, your heart and mind are screaming that it is not fine.  They are demanding to be felt and heard, they are demanding to be expressed.  And the tears are demanding to be shed no matter how hard you try not to let them fall.   I cant breathe.  I don't want to feel, I don't want to cry, I want to be fine. I don't want this anymore.  I thought I could handle this, I thought I was past this. But I am grasping at strings, and I am missing them. Maybe my mind and heart are just demanding that I let myself feel these things, and then I will be OK.  I will be ok, I have to be ok, I cant fall apart again. I am strong!  I am allowed to scream, I am allowed to cry, but my heart wont allow me to give up. But I am afraid because I know I cant fight forever,
 

2016 in a blur

     2016 is almost over. and I have failed to post a single thing!
It's been a Year!   Many changes have come to my life in the last year.
  I have now been working at the High school for over a year now.
I have experienced many new things in my job.
I have learned many things, and have seen and learned things that sometimes I wish I hadn't seen or learned!
   But one of the most amazing things is the relationships I have formed with these young people.
 I look back to when I was there age( which is a lot longer ago than I will admit) and I see what they face today, and I want to cry for them.
  I have spent many nights crying for these young people who just want to be loved and accepted.
 And I have spent many hours trying to figure out how I could adopt them all and make their lives better.
  But I can't!  And not being able to fix something is hard for me!  I can only listen, and let them know that I care, and I will listen without judgment, but I will always add my kindly spoken 2 sense if they are doing wrong.
      If I was doing this job for the money I would not have lasted a year.
 But each day I go to work, hoping to make a positive difference in some teenagers life each day.
  I hope that I am not the only one that acknowledges them each day, but if I am, I am glad I did.
This job has come with struggles, and heartache, and lots and lots of frustration.
   But when a student walks into your office and says" Mrs, Jones, I just need to talk to you for a minute, it's been a rough day"  or they come up to you and say I missed you, where were you?"
 or they hug you and say," You actually care about me don't you?" it makes it worth going everyday.

Life is amazing, and the daily lessons and experiences we endure are so uniquely individual, that there is no way I could ever deny that God has a hand in my life each and every day!
  If you would have asked me 14 months ago What my life would look like today, i would have never imagined or thought I would be where I am today, or doing what I am today!
  But here I am!  And here I am learning, and here I am growing, but most importantly, here I am stretching outside my comfort zone, trying to be a positive influence in the life of someone each day!
  here is hoping that I can be, and I can continue to learn right along with these young people!

 

I love this time of year!!!!

Well, it's September! My absolute favorite time of the year!! I can't decide if it's the cooler weather, the sights and smells of harvest time, or the beautiful colors of fall that I love most.
   I love this time of year!!! I love wearing warm sweaters, and cute boots and watching the tractors and combines in the fields.
   I love having a fire in our fire pit on a cool evening I love the smell of change in the air!
  I love trying to guess when the first snow will fall, and how long, our all too short fall, will last.
I love making pumpkin rolls and pumpkin cookies. I love all things pumpkin!!!!  I know for some it is a dreaded time of year.   I know many who dread the approach of winter, the long cold nights, the blowing cold wind, the snow. The very short days, with not much sunshine.
  But I love all seasons.  I love the change and the variety of all things.  For everything there is a season!
   If there is nothing I have learned in my 3 decades it is that there is a time and purpose for everything.  And we can spend all our timed energy complaining about it and dreading it and hoping it goes away.... Or we can just accept what is, and find the good, and beauty in all things and situations.  I will be the first to admit that I am not in any way, shape or form, the best at finding the good and beauty in all things.  I catch myself , far more often than I like , complaining.   But I constantly remind myself, there is a time and season for all things, there is reason and purpose in all situations, either  good, or bad. There is a lesson to be learned in all things.   But if we spend so much time dwelling on the things we dislike, we will never find the time or opportunity to learn , and grow, and find the purpose and meaning in our lives.  I am a firm believer in God!  I am a firm believer in life. I believe their is a plan for me. I believe that every heartache, and pain, and trial I have endured, has shaped me, and molded me, and prepared me for the next go round.  Have I always felt that way about my heartaches?  No.  I have spent many long tearful nights wishing and hoping and praying that I would not have to endure this trial. I have spent too many days being angry, and asking ,"why me?"  I have spent many days, even weeks ,and months dwelling on my lack, instead of my bounty.  And I would be lying if I said I don't have any more " whoa is me" moments. But they get fewer and farther between each day..   I have been able to stop, and turn around, and look back at my life, and my tough times, and my trials, and realize that those trials built me, they shaped me, they have helped me see beyond me, and see the need in others, and myself.   If I have learned nothing else I have learned this.  My Heavenly Father loves me! And he is aware of me, as an individual.  He has not forgotten or forsaken me!  We each endure, every day, some hardship, or struggle.  To each his own.  But the awesome amazing thing is, that as children of God, sometimes we are given our struggles so we can help others through their trials.    I have had the privilege to be associated with many amazing women who have lifted me, and strengthened me, through their examples of how they endured their own trials, and I hope and pray that by some small measure, I have been able to touch someone else's life for the better.
   I love this time of year!!  But then again, I have my reasons for loving every time of year!

Emotional Sunday

  So its the first Sunday my hunky husband has had to work the afternoon shift at work.
 And it has been a rough Sunday.
  You never realize how used to a certain routine you can get, and how lonely and unprepared you are when it changes.
  Or how unprepared you are to deal with an emotional outburst from a ten year old all by yourself!
 But she doesn't do well with routine changes either, so when dad leaves after the first hour of church and you know you wont see him till the next morning, I guess that's the signal to bring up all the hard emotional questions  that mom has a hard time responding too.
 The ride home from church was miserable, for both of us!
When she bursts into tears and tells you that all she really wants is a little sister, and it hurts when kids ask her why she doesn't have any siblings. Ya... its kinda rough.   Its a tender subject for all of us.  And you think that it only effects you.  But I was wrong, it effects every member of our family.
We all long for another member of our family.  And no matter what you try to do to fill that void, it never quite feels right.
  We even got a new puppy to try and keep her mind occupied, but to no avail.
 And its moments like the ride on the way home from church, that you realize you are still so unprepared to deal with your own emotions, let alone your child's aching heart.
 Its moments like this that you wonder, What am I going to say? How can I comfort her, when my heart is breaking, how can I keep it together when i just want to pull over and cry too?  Its moments like this that I am reminded why I was given such an amazing husband, he always had the answer, and the ability to console her, and comfort me at the same time, Even though I know his heart aches as much as ours!
  I know the answer, I know this is my trial to bear. I know this is a learning and growing experience for us.  I know it has taught me soo much,  I just hope I can convey that message to a ten year old with an broken heart.  I love her so much!! And I am soo grateful that my Heavenly Father gave her to us.  She is truly a gift.  Her name means gift from God!
And so after this rough day my new motto is..., I CAN do this!!!  And I know I can!!

Getting the upper hand!

It's been a while, a long while since I have posted. Not because I don't have anything to write, but probably because I let so much time pass, and I feel like I can never catch up on what has happened, and what I have learned.
   Time is a great teacher, and only time will tell how things are going.
Am I pregnant yet? No.  I am still on my forever quest, for the secret cure for PCOS.
 I do feel like I am getting closer, and I am getting things more under control.
Have things gotten easier? No.  between a knee surgery and a D&C , I am no stranger to a hospital this past year.  
   I have an amazing doctor that has helped me a ton, but I still feel so limited, and at times, so helpless. 
  I did discover the Paleo diet.  BEST diet ever for PCOS girls.  First diet I have ever been able to lose a significant amount of weight on and keep it off.
  I am officially an oiler, as they call us, I have found essential oils have helped a lot.
 And I am a huge fan of castor oil!!  If you want to know what any of those things can do for PCOS, just ask me, or Google, or Pinterest. 
  I have learned so much this past year, I love the opportunities I have had to help others through the knowledge I have gained.  Knowledge truly is power!!!    I want to hold the keys to my health, my happiness, and my future. 
 And so if I have to spend the rest of my life studying and learning, just to help one person, live a happier healthier life, I will do it. 
PCOS wont control my life forever. I wont let it.  I cant let it.
   I have the keys to help my self, now if only I can have the iron clad willpower to always follow through!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness,  is a word that has been on my mind a lot lately.
 The relationships we form throughout our lives can be very different and varied.
Most of the relationships we form in our lives are by choice. There are only a few relationships that we don't get to choose,  those being the Mother who gave birth to us and our Father.
  I was blessed to be born into a family who loved me, and wanted me.
I have two parents whose life goal was to make their children feel loved and safe, and to keep them safe. I chose to form strong relationships with all of my siblings, whom I love very much. And I consider them some of my best friends.
   But I realize that not all children are born into a family like mine.  Not all children are loved, and sadly not all children are wanted.  That is a hard concept for me to understand. First off because I was blessed with an amazing family. And second, because I want soo badly to have more children to love.
  But I have met and formed close relationships with individuals who have never felt that love, or that safety, that a close family brings.
  And that brings me to forgiveness.  How do you become a functioning adult with good people skills and the ability to love and let others love you , and to trust others, when you have no idea what that feels like?  The key, I  have learned, is forgiveness.
  Forgiveness is a big word and it is a big process.  I have learned through experience that forgiveness doesn't happen overnight.  Forgiveness takes a lot of work, that is the reason it is easier to hold a grudge or be angry. Because yes, anger can be exhausting, but forgiveness is worse.
  I have unknowingly held to much anger inside and too many grudges.  And I didn't realize how they effected me till I made the conscious decision to let it go , and forgive.
 Forgiving, is not only healing to us as individuals, but also to those whom we forgive.
We all make mistakes, we are human, we screw up, we have faults and shortcomings, we are sometimes stupid and self centered. We sometimes believe that the world owes us.
  I am glad that in spite of my human tendencies, I can be forgiven, not only by those around me, but by the very God who created me.   I am sure we all look back at our pasts, and the thought that crosses many of our minds is, man was I stupid!.  But thankfully I believe in forgiveness.  I believe in letting past mistakes be past mistakes, looking forward and not behind.
 However  I wish I was as lenient on others as others are on me.
I realize that family is harder to forgive than friends.  I realize that as a sister or daughter, I am way more judgmental than I am as a friend.  I realize that I need to extend a whole lot more forgiveness to those I love most.  Because I know I would hate it if every time I was with family they dredged up every little past mistake I had ever made.   Forgiveness is a choice. And so, I choose to forgive!

Lessons re learned

Today has been... one of those days.   It's been one of those days that I have been on the verge of tears all day, for no apparent reason!  I believe it is called being female, or hormonal, or something along those lines.
But despite the "almost" tears, today has helped me relearn many important lessons about my self, and about others.  I have learned that one of Satan's greatest tools is discouragement. I have learned that looking beyond what is being said, to what they are really trying to say, is very important.  I have learned that forgiveness and understanding get you farther than impatience and anger.
And through all the lessons being re taught today, I relearned, or rather was reminded, of the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  I am thankful for the character traits, or gifts that he has blessed me with.
I am thankful for an earthly Father who showed and taught me great patience.  I am thankful for the lessons I have learned through the trials I have been given.  I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave me the choice to come here, and to choose my path.  I am grateful for a Savior who was willing to give his life for me, so that I could be with my Father again.  I am grateful for so many things.  I am grateful for the man I married, I am grateful that he loves me.  I am grateful that his weak moments, are at the times I feel the strongest, and I am grateful that my weak moments are when he feels strongest.  We are blessed to lift each other and put our lives into perspective.
 I have also been blessed with a wonderful mother, I feel ashamed of myself that it was so hard to write that last sentence, but she is a strong woman with a big heart, and she has taught me a lot.
I am ashamed to say I spend too much time dwelling on her imperfections, that I fail to appreciate the good things she has brought to my life.  I just hope that others are kinder towards my weaknesses than I have been towards hers.  I have come to realize that our Heavenly Father gave us the choice of the path we could follow, and some individuals chose a harder path so they could help others and become a better stronger person.  She is one of those people.   She was given a harder path to follow early in life, and has come out of those trials and hardships amazingly well.  I can't say I would have had the strength she did.  But I love her for all the good things about her.  I love that she is such a good grandmother, and she loves everyone.  She is a friend to the poor in spirit, and the poor in heart.  She is a great example of compassion, and love, and I love her for that. I have relearned to look at the true person and to find the good in others.    I have also relearned what awesome people my siblings are!! We grew up together, being very close .  We had so much fun with each other, and I miss them all terribly,  I love them all. And I am so proud of the people they have become.  I am also a firm believer that you are given people in your life to be your friend and confidant always, and that's what my siblings are to me!!!
 So that sums up my day of re learning.  And I know I will have to relearn these lessons over and over again throughout my life, but today has been an awesome day!  now I will go to bed, and maybe............cry!!!

Christmas comes but once a year.

   My amazing husband just informed me that Christmas is only 2 weeks away!
His words were, " Just so you know, you only have 2 weeks till Christmas"!
  I guess that is his way of saying I need to get motivated and accomplish what needs to be accomplished before December 25th!  So..........
I will boldly admit that it is December 12th, and I have not bought a single Christmas gift for anyone.
  I am usually not the worlds worst procrastinator, but this year I feel that if I refuse to acknowledge that my year is almost over, then it will not end.
  I feel that if I start shopping and buying and focusing on all the "stuff" that comes with Christmas, then I might lose focus.  I might forget what Christmas is.  And I will lose the magic I see in my daughters eyes as she hangs the Christmas stockings, or decorates the tree. Or the joy on her face as she  hangs lights in her room.   So I guess I am not procrastinating, or refusing to admit that Christmas is almost upon us.
     I am just refusing to lose the peace and contentment  I am feeling, just watching the joy it all brings to my daughter.  She is eight this year. In almost a month she will turn nine.  It just hit me that soon she wont believe in Santa Clause, and soon she will be questioning all those magical childhood stories. And I am not ready for her to lose the magic of childhood.   I am not ready because seeing that magic in her eyes, is my favorite part of the holidays.   She is my magic!
         Tonight before bed we read a story about a family that didn't put the baby Jesus in their nativity scene till Christmas morning to remind them that we are all waiting for our savior, just like the wise men and shepherds, and Joseph and Mary.  So she asked me if we could wait till Christmas morning to put baby Jesus in our Nativity.   And I wanted to cry, I love her, and her faith, and acceptance, and all she is and does, to remind me of the amazing love our Heavenly Father has for me.  She truly is an amazing Christmas
gift.
        She got in trouble and had to stay after school for the first time ever today.  I asked her what she had learned from what she did wrong, and she gave me a whole list of grown up answers of things she had learned, and then she came home and did her homework, and practiced her times tables and when I reminded her to write properly she burst into tears.   My first thought was to ask her what in the world was wrong and tell her to stop crying. But then the mom in me asked her if it had just been a rough day?  She said yes and cried harder, so I asked her if she needed a hug, and she fell into my arms crying.  Within a few minutes she was better and happy and content.  I don't ever want her to outgrow the stage where a hug or kiss can make it all better, but I know someday it will happen. But for now I will remember that Christmas comes but once a year, and  thankfully I am the mother of this beautiful child ,every day all year long. And I will find a way to accomplish, all that "stuff" but hopefully not lose the magic of it all!

When life gives you lemons.

So life has given me lots of lemons over the past couple months.

  The first being the passing of my amazing Grandfather.  This has been the hardest lemon to try and make into lemonade, but I am trying daily to find the positive in this and to look for ways my life has been blessed for knowing and loving this man.    I miss him so much!  He was a constant in my life.
   I learned a lot from being there with him in his final hours and seeing his love for all his family who were present.   He has taught me that families are forever, and goodbye is not the end! He told us all, see ya later!  And I know I truly will!

     My next lemon has come in the form of illness.   First my daughter, she was so sick we ended up in the E.R.  After a week of fevers and puking, four bags of fluid, and some amazing anti nausea medicine, she began to recover!   That lemon taught me to make lemonade in the form of gratitude!    I think we all need these" lemons" to help keep us grateful for the little things in life, like 2 hours, of uninterrupted sleep, or that she made it to the toilet to puke instead of all across the kitchen floor again!  But mostly gratitude when her fever broke, and she was able to rest soundly, or the moments when she just wanted mom to hold her.   I am grateful to be her mom! She is such a blessing in my life!
  The most difficult lemon I have dealt with lately is my husband!!!!  Well he isn't a lemon, he is amazing and wonderful and all that other mushy gushy stuff that you can say about the love of your life!  
    Two weeks after our daughter got sick, he did also.  So naturally we assume it is the same thing, and as long as he is staying hydrated we were going to let it run it's coarse.    But it didn't , he just got worse and with different symptoms, so I finally dragged him out of bed and carried him to the E.R.   Now just for information purpose, we have been married for almost 10 years, and none of us have ever had to go to the E.R.  for ten years!  So 2 in two weeks is defiantly a record!    So after every test imaginable and 6 hours in the E.R. We are told he most likely has West Nile Virus, but the tests won't be back for a few days.  We'll a few days later it was confirmed to be west Nile.
   So of coarse I spend the next day or so researching the heck out of WNV.  And I didn't like what I found.  It has made him tired constantly he has lost a lot of weight, the headaches and loss of appetite, on top of being susceptible to every cold that blows in the wind.  It's been a challenge to stay positive, it's been a challenge to find the "lemonade" of it all.  So on bad days we count the good days, and on good days we thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings we have.   Our motto is , it could be worse!
It is definitely a lesson on patience and trusting in the lords will and timing.

Which brings me to my final "Lemon" !  Another failed fertility treatment!  Yes everything looked perfect!  The count was amazing the egg was good size, I actually  O'd.  But it didn't happen.
  So I am taking a break.  I need a breather and I need some time to get my head back in the game and some time to learn and to make lemonade.
    My lemonade from this lemon has led me on the journey to better me!
I am going to the gym everyday with friends and I am actually loving it!!!
 Trying new workouts and learning more about being a healthier better me!  I feel amazing after only 2 weeks back at the gym!  So as for my "lemons" you can join me any day you would like, I have been given enough lemons to make a huge batch of lemonade!!!!!!

Grandpa

  My blog thus far has seemed to focus on a reoccurring theme, infertility.
  But the title of my blog is re defining moments. 
  Most of these moments have come through my infertility struggles, but today they come in a different form. 
  The form of cancer, not for me or my immediate family, but for my grandfather.
he has been battling cancer for a few months now.
  Don't get me wrong, this isn't the first dealings of cancer that I have ever experienced, I have seen it first hand with friends or family before.  But this is the first time I have actually seen the cancer get the upper hand.  My grandfather is an amazing man.  He has raised an amazing family.  He has a great legacy laid out before him.   My grandfather is the second of 12 children, he has been married to his best friend for 58 years and counting.  He has two sons and two daughters and  twenty one grandchildren, who adore him, and look up to him as the patriarch of our family.  He is the rock and the foundation of our family. He has numerous great grandchildren who love and adore him, and who love to spend time with him.      To his great grandchildren he has many names, grandpa Ernie, grandpa don't mess around, grandpa Bluffdale, Grandpa magic, but to all of us he is grandpa.
  No problem is to big or to small for grandpa.  He is the first one to laugh or smile, and the first one to crack a joke.   He has always been a constant in my life, and I can't fathom the thought that that constant might not be their.  Some of my greatest lessons I have learned from my grandpa!   I have learned that you don't mess around.  I have learned that the best operation you could have is an octarectamy, and that he shows grandma he loves her by teasing her!
  I moved away from grandma and grandpa as a teenager, only getting to see them once or twice a year.  But no matter the distance, I know they love me.   I know that they are there for me, and I know that they would do whatever they could do for me.   They are constants in my life.   In a world that is always changing, we cling to that which is constant, and the mere thought ,that on of my constants could change, is heartbreaking .   But I know that I must ,and will trust in my Heavenly Father.   He is ultimately in control, and his will is what will happen. I just pray that  my Heavenly fathers will, will
be the same as my will.  We will all keep hoping and praying and fighting for grandpa!  Because he is our grandpa, our friend , and our hero!

Father's Day

So mothers day pased and i really didn't think anything about it, i tried to focus on the positive, and be grateful for the wonderful gift that my Heavenly father has given me. I am thankful to be a mother. i am thankful to have the privilage to raise this beautiful little girl and to be a part of her life! i am grateful that she loves me!  And i am grateful for the man who is my partner, my husband my best friend, and an amazing father!   But fathers day is not coming so easy this year!  Maybe i am just super emotional because my daughter has been really sick, and as a mother, that is not an easy thing, no sleep and constant worry are not easy on ones emotional state.
  Or it could be that i was hoping to give my husband the greatest fathers day gift , but just found out that it didn't work again this time.
  We tried our first clomid&HCG& IUI cycle.  and everything looked perfect! levels were good, thickness good follicles good, but it didn't work, and i had worked so hard not to get to hopeful, but i did, and it has been rough.  But i will pull through, and i will have faith and i will try again.  And i will  try not to feel like i let my husband down. i loe him soo much! he is an amazing husband and father!  Happy Fathers Day !

emotional! uhg!

So my last post was about clomid, well we have started seeing a new doctor, and we did our first round of clomid with follicle monitoring and an hcg shot!  everything went pretty well, I actually had one very good size follicle, and I did ovulate, but no positive pregnancy!  I then took a break for a month due to family stuff, and hopefully this month can be the month!  I thought I had it all emotionally under control! I thought I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't work.   I thought I would just be okay with the fact that their was always next time, but today I am not feeling okay, today I am on the brink of losing it!!!  I am on the medicine to start my cycle, and then we continue from there, but it hasn't started and I am anxious and scared and nervous and emotional and the thought keeps coming to me, What if this never works? What if we are not supposed to have another child? What if this isn't Gods plan?  And it makes me want to scream and cry!  Maybe it is just the hormones?  I don't know, but the thought of not having another child hurts so bad, and the thought of not trying makes me panic.   
   I know for a lot of people, it never happens. and I just pray that if I become that person I could handle it, but right now I can't.
   I know why these emotions are surfacing, I blame it partially on the hormones, and partially on my brother in law for announcing this morning that they are pregnant again, but this time with twins!!!  I want to be happy for them, I want to shout for joy and celebrate the life of these precious babies, a baby is a wonderful gift from god.  I want to be happy for them, and I have tried every thing, to make myself feel happy for them.  I have prayed all day and thanked my Heavenly Father for every blessing I have ever received,  but the pain is still there.    And the question I will never voice aloud still keeps coming to mind, Why not me?   I know this is my trial, I know this is my refiners fire, and I know personally people who have a lot worse trials in there lives, and I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I am trying not to!   I know my Heavenly Father loves me. And I know someday it won't hurt soo bad, I just hope and pray with my whole soul, that that day will come real soon!

Clomid uhg!

So I have taken clomid multiple times, with no side effects, well not this time! I think I had every side effect I have ever read about!  The hot flashes where the worst! But there was nausea and soreness,  but the hardest was how angry I felt. My poor husband! Everything he said or did annoyed the heck out of me! I was snappy and mean, but I am so grateful that my husband put up with me and all my symptoms!  Hopefully I wont have to take it too many more times!

Emotional Stages of Infertility

  So this is a post that i have thought alot about over the last few years. It is a subject that i don't quite feel like i am qualified to post about, except for the fact that i have experienced every aspect of it. and i have slowly drudged my way through it, and dealt with every stage personally, so this is purely my very own opinion, and my uneducated psychological evaluation, of the stages of emotional grief, that come with infertility! 
  I call it the stages of infertility

The first stage is denial. We all go through the stages where we believe the doctor is wrong, and that it will just take time and we will become pregnant eventually. it is our way of dealing with the pain, it is the easiest way we know how to cope.  We don't want to hurt, so we,deny! But most can't and won't stay in this stage forever.  So then comes the kicker.

  The second stage is anger.
 It is the most powerful of all stages and emotions, it is the stage that can consume and control your life if you let it, I know i did for two too many years. but anger is a natural emotion that everyone feels when they feel betrayed, or forgotten, we don't like to feel hopeless or forgotten so it is only natural to feel anger, for me it was anger at god for putting me through this, anger for making me feel this pain and this emptiness, anger for the hurt i felt every time i saw a new baby , or someone said the were pregnant, anger at my husband for not understanding my anger, anger at myself, for being broken. anger at not being able to live up to the life and plans i had made, anger for not being able to give my daughter a sibling. But mostly just anger at having to feel this pain, cause it hurt, more than i ever thought possible.   it was at this stage that i came to realize, i didn't like myself, i didn't like what and who i had become. I didn't  like the way my marriage was going. I didn't like that i had distanced myself from everyone and everything, because i didn't want to feel the pain that being close to someone could bring.   But sadly the worst part was that i had distanced myself from my heavenly father, because being close to him made me feel, and i didn't want to feel.  But being angry all the time and at everyone, takes so much effort, it is exhausting, i didn't have time or room for anyone or anything else because i was to busy being angry.


And then came the third stage, i call it bargaining, i bargained with the lord alot, to no avail, i told him i would do better, i would be better, i would do what ever he wanted, if he would just give me another child.  bargaining is our way of trying to regain control of the helplessness that we feel,


Then comes the fourth stage  it is a depressing stage , i no longer felt anger which i thought would be refreshing, but at this stage, i felt nothing, and that to me was worse than feeling anger, my mind withdrew all emotion, and for a while it was a relief, to so blissfully feel nothing, a friend said she was pregnant! nothing, no anger, no tears, i could like this, but then it scared me when i couldn't,t emotionally respond to a situation that desperately called for an emotional response.   To this day i fight daily to keep myself from slipping into this emotional nothingness, i am worth more than that, my family deserves better than that!

The fifth stage, it is the stage that i fought for,for 6 years, not everyone reaches this stage, i thank my Heavenly Father daily that i was able to reach this stage.  it i the stage of acceptance, it is truly the most bliss full of all stages, i accept the fact that i have these issues, i accept the fact that my life isn't playing out like i had planned, but you know what, maybe the path my life is taking is better than the path i had planned.  My Heavenly Father is aware of me, and my needs, and he loves me and wants me to be happy.  It is the stage where you quit fighting, and say your will lord, not mine!  It is the stage that you look back on the past years of this battle, and feel immense gratitude for the things you have learned, and the battles you have fought, and you look in the mirror and you see the person staring back at you is someone you never imagined you would see.  And you are stronger and better  for it.   reaching the stage of acceptance, does not mean you have given up hope, and it doesn't mean you don't feel sad or angry sometimes, and it doesn't mean you don't still long for a child. Your human, but you have come to accept that come whatever may come, you will live your life to it's fullest and love it!


So this is Amy's theory of the stages of infertility.  I felt all these emotions, i battled every day to get where i am at today, i have felt the pain and the anger and the helplessness and the nothingness, and finally the acceptance, wherever, you may be in your journey, please know that there is peace and happiness waiting for you, their is light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up, don't quit fighting, fight everyday for happiness, it is worth it, you are worth it,your family is worth it, but most importantly, you can't do it without our Heavenly father, and the love and support of your spouse. 

But happiness is always possible!

The beginning

So just a brief recap to make what I have posted on this blog make sense.
 I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter.  so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever!   So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was  very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster .  I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility".  Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through.   It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had.  I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
  I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father.   I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives.  I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did.  I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us.   We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned.  But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself.  For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide.  I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it  didn't.  But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day.  So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !

Pain? (january 2012)

I have truly come to know what the scriptures mean when they say past feeling, or hardened your heart! Tonight I came to an astounding discovery about myself. I have become this way about certain trials in my life that I have had to face. I have made the unconscious decision somewhere along this journey that not feeling would be easier than feeling the pain . And so I hardened my heart, to not feel the pain, and tonight, It scared me to realize I could be that way, it scared me to realize I couldn't emotionally feel what I needed to feel, and so it has made me ponder my thoughts and my heart, and to wonder if this unconscious decision to not feel has effected my relationships with my Heavenly Father and my loved ones in any way . And so, I am consciously making the decision to feel . Pain is as big of a part of life as Joy and happiness and you can't feel one without the other, so here's to life! And the pain and joy that come with it!

Hope hurts (feb 2012)

I have been taught my whole life to have faith, and I truly do have faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have faith in their plan for me , and I have faith that I will someday be in there presence and see and talk to them face to face.
But I have also been taught my whole life that the definition of faith is: to hope for things not seen. But can you have faith without hope?
I know every scripture I have ever read combines faith and hope, and a lot of times charity. Are they inseparable virtues?
I have spent many, probably too many nights, laying awake wondering if I could truly have faith without hope, because hope hurts.
I don't know where the line is, or if there is even a line, between faith and hope, or if they could possibly be one in the same, but I want to have faith without the pain that accompanies hope, after my hopes are dashed.
But then I am probably putting my hope in the wrong place.
I should have faith and hope that my Heavenly Father will grant me the peace, and the patients and the endurance to climb the next mountain, just to realize there is another mountain even taller that I must climb, and I know that if I quit hoping, then somewhere along the way i will quit climbing because having faith without hope won't work. So as I climb my mountain and reach the summit, just to realize I must drop into a valley and begin the climb of another, taller mountain, I will hope that on top of one of these mountains, my hopes will be realized. Because I know that no matter how much it hurts, my Savior has already felt that pain for me. I am not climbing my mountains alone, and I am not walking through these valleys unaccompanied. If I will let him, my savior will walk with me, and I know that when I feel I can't climb one more mountain, and I drop to my knees in tears and desperation, he will take my hand and lift my head and give me the strength to climb, and if i cant muster the strength,he will carry me up the next one.
It has happened many times, and I have faith that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible.
So I guess I have just answered my own question, no, faith without hope won't work. Because faith is hope!
But I guess i will have to wait to know why hope has to hurt

Joy in the journey (feb 2012)

Faith is an age old concept that I have been taught from a little child, its something that we have always had to strive for. We are taught in primary how to have faith, and we are told of the blessings that come through having faith. In my last post I talked about hope, not an entirely new concept either, but one that I feel I haven't yet grasped the full concept of.  But I am working on it. I t is another one of those concepts that isn't taught as much as faith but I remember it always being paired along with faith.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.

I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
    As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
 With my Heavenly father.  I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do?  I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me.  I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters.  And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.

Beautiful heartbreak. (march 2012)

This morning was one of those beautiful spring mornings that just call to your soul.
It rained all day yesterday, So as the sun was slowly rising this beautiful spring morning, it almost felt like a new world, everything seemed so new and so clear and so clean. The wind was blowing through the trees and bringing with it the earthy aroma of damp leaves and trees. And the fragrant smells of spring! It was an amazing morning, and as I returned home after dropping Hannah off at school I couldn't bring myself to go inside. So I grabbed the dog and we went for a walk.
I couldn't help but admire Gods beautiful creations around me, I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be here right now at this very moment. I couldn't help but to be so amazed and so humbled to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
It was one of those odd moments when for the hour I was walking time seemed to slow down, and I was seeing things differently than I have in a long time. Every bird seemed to be out, singing of a beautiful day! That was until the dog decided they needed to fly away!
And as I was walking a song that I truly love, came to mind, It's called beautiful Heartbreak. There was a part of the song that made me realize what I was truly experiencing this morning.

"I had it all mapped out in front of me, I knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in front of me. I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around. Broken hearted I started climbing, and at the top I found. That every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view, and now that I am here, I would never trade. The grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears, and the sleepless nights. I used to pray he would take it all away. But instead it became, a beautiful heartbreak! I never dreamed my heart would make it, and I thought about turning around. But heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. So I take the rain with the sunshine, cause there is one thing I know.  He picks up the pieces along each broken road."

I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, I wouldn't trade the pain or the heartbreak. Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. This morning I had the opportunity to see some of Gods amazing creations, and to bask in his light, and I feel truly blessed to be here where I am at this time. No, it is not how I planned it, but he sees the bigger picture, and he knows what mountains I need to climb to see the beauty in my life. And so I will love my beautiful heartbreak!