Christmas comes but once a year.

   My amazing husband just informed me that Christmas is only 2 weeks away!
His words were, " Just so you know, you only have 2 weeks till Christmas"!
  I guess that is his way of saying I need to get motivated and accomplish what needs to be accomplished before December 25th!  So..........
I will boldly admit that it is December 12th, and I have not bought a single Christmas gift for anyone.
  I am usually not the worlds worst procrastinator, but this year I feel that if I refuse to acknowledge that my year is almost over, then it will not end.
  I feel that if I start shopping and buying and focusing on all the "stuff" that comes with Christmas, then I might lose focus.  I might forget what Christmas is.  And I will lose the magic I see in my daughters eyes as she hangs the Christmas stockings, or decorates the tree. Or the joy on her face as she  hangs lights in her room.   So I guess I am not procrastinating, or refusing to admit that Christmas is almost upon us.
     I am just refusing to lose the peace and contentment  I am feeling, just watching the joy it all brings to my daughter.  She is eight this year. In almost a month she will turn nine.  It just hit me that soon she wont believe in Santa Clause, and soon she will be questioning all those magical childhood stories. And I am not ready for her to lose the magic of childhood.   I am not ready because seeing that magic in her eyes, is my favorite part of the holidays.   She is my magic!
         Tonight before bed we read a story about a family that didn't put the baby Jesus in their nativity scene till Christmas morning to remind them that we are all waiting for our savior, just like the wise men and shepherds, and Joseph and Mary.  So she asked me if we could wait till Christmas morning to put baby Jesus in our Nativity.   And I wanted to cry, I love her, and her faith, and acceptance, and all she is and does, to remind me of the amazing love our Heavenly Father has for me.  She truly is an amazing Christmas
gift.
        She got in trouble and had to stay after school for the first time ever today.  I asked her what she had learned from what she did wrong, and she gave me a whole list of grown up answers of things she had learned, and then she came home and did her homework, and practiced her times tables and when I reminded her to write properly she burst into tears.   My first thought was to ask her what in the world was wrong and tell her to stop crying. But then the mom in me asked her if it had just been a rough day?  She said yes and cried harder, so I asked her if she needed a hug, and she fell into my arms crying.  Within a few minutes she was better and happy and content.  I don't ever want her to outgrow the stage where a hug or kiss can make it all better, but I know someday it will happen. But for now I will remember that Christmas comes but once a year, and  thankfully I am the mother of this beautiful child ,every day all year long. And I will find a way to accomplish, all that "stuff" but hopefully not lose the magic of it all!

When life gives you lemons.

So life has given me lots of lemons over the past couple months.

  The first being the passing of my amazing Grandfather.  This has been the hardest lemon to try and make into lemonade, but I am trying daily to find the positive in this and to look for ways my life has been blessed for knowing and loving this man.    I miss him so much!  He was a constant in my life.
   I learned a lot from being there with him in his final hours and seeing his love for all his family who were present.   He has taught me that families are forever, and goodbye is not the end! He told us all, see ya later!  And I know I truly will!

     My next lemon has come in the form of illness.   First my daughter, she was so sick we ended up in the E.R.  After a week of fevers and puking, four bags of fluid, and some amazing anti nausea medicine, she began to recover!   That lemon taught me to make lemonade in the form of gratitude!    I think we all need these" lemons" to help keep us grateful for the little things in life, like 2 hours, of uninterrupted sleep, or that she made it to the toilet to puke instead of all across the kitchen floor again!  But mostly gratitude when her fever broke, and she was able to rest soundly, or the moments when she just wanted mom to hold her.   I am grateful to be her mom! She is such a blessing in my life!
  The most difficult lemon I have dealt with lately is my husband!!!!  Well he isn't a lemon, he is amazing and wonderful and all that other mushy gushy stuff that you can say about the love of your life!  
    Two weeks after our daughter got sick, he did also.  So naturally we assume it is the same thing, and as long as he is staying hydrated we were going to let it run it's coarse.    But it didn't , he just got worse and with different symptoms, so I finally dragged him out of bed and carried him to the E.R.   Now just for information purpose, we have been married for almost 10 years, and none of us have ever had to go to the E.R.  for ten years!  So 2 in two weeks is defiantly a record!    So after every test imaginable and 6 hours in the E.R. We are told he most likely has West Nile Virus, but the tests won't be back for a few days.  We'll a few days later it was confirmed to be west Nile.
   So of coarse I spend the next day or so researching the heck out of WNV.  And I didn't like what I found.  It has made him tired constantly he has lost a lot of weight, the headaches and loss of appetite, on top of being susceptible to every cold that blows in the wind.  It's been a challenge to stay positive, it's been a challenge to find the "lemonade" of it all.  So on bad days we count the good days, and on good days we thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings we have.   Our motto is , it could be worse!
It is definitely a lesson on patience and trusting in the lords will and timing.

Which brings me to my final "Lemon" !  Another failed fertility treatment!  Yes everything looked perfect!  The count was amazing the egg was good size, I actually  O'd.  But it didn't happen.
  So I am taking a break.  I need a breather and I need some time to get my head back in the game and some time to learn and to make lemonade.
    My lemonade from this lemon has led me on the journey to better me!
I am going to the gym everyday with friends and I am actually loving it!!!
 Trying new workouts and learning more about being a healthier better me!  I feel amazing after only 2 weeks back at the gym!  So as for my "lemons" you can join me any day you would like, I have been given enough lemons to make a huge batch of lemonade!!!!!!

Grandpa

  My blog thus far has seemed to focus on a reoccurring theme, infertility.
  But the title of my blog is re defining moments. 
  Most of these moments have come through my infertility struggles, but today they come in a different form. 
  The form of cancer, not for me or my immediate family, but for my grandfather.
he has been battling cancer for a few months now.
  Don't get me wrong, this isn't the first dealings of cancer that I have ever experienced, I have seen it first hand with friends or family before.  But this is the first time I have actually seen the cancer get the upper hand.  My grandfather is an amazing man.  He has raised an amazing family.  He has a great legacy laid out before him.   My grandfather is the second of 12 children, he has been married to his best friend for 58 years and counting.  He has two sons and two daughters and  twenty one grandchildren, who adore him, and look up to him as the patriarch of our family.  He is the rock and the foundation of our family. He has numerous great grandchildren who love and adore him, and who love to spend time with him.      To his great grandchildren he has many names, grandpa Ernie, grandpa don't mess around, grandpa Bluffdale, Grandpa magic, but to all of us he is grandpa.
  No problem is to big or to small for grandpa.  He is the first one to laugh or smile, and the first one to crack a joke.   He has always been a constant in my life, and I can't fathom the thought that that constant might not be their.  Some of my greatest lessons I have learned from my grandpa!   I have learned that you don't mess around.  I have learned that the best operation you could have is an octarectamy, and that he shows grandma he loves her by teasing her!
  I moved away from grandma and grandpa as a teenager, only getting to see them once or twice a year.  But no matter the distance, I know they love me.   I know that they are there for me, and I know that they would do whatever they could do for me.   They are constants in my life.   In a world that is always changing, we cling to that which is constant, and the mere thought ,that on of my constants could change, is heartbreaking .   But I know that I must ,and will trust in my Heavenly Father.   He is ultimately in control, and his will is what will happen. I just pray that  my Heavenly fathers will, will
be the same as my will.  We will all keep hoping and praying and fighting for grandpa!  Because he is our grandpa, our friend , and our hero!

Father's Day

So mothers day pased and i really didn't think anything about it, i tried to focus on the positive, and be grateful for the wonderful gift that my Heavenly father has given me. I am thankful to be a mother. i am thankful to have the privilage to raise this beautiful little girl and to be a part of her life! i am grateful that she loves me!  And i am grateful for the man who is my partner, my husband my best friend, and an amazing father!   But fathers day is not coming so easy this year!  Maybe i am just super emotional because my daughter has been really sick, and as a mother, that is not an easy thing, no sleep and constant worry are not easy on ones emotional state.
  Or it could be that i was hoping to give my husband the greatest fathers day gift , but just found out that it didn't work again this time.
  We tried our first clomid&HCG& IUI cycle.  and everything looked perfect! levels were good, thickness good follicles good, but it didn't work, and i had worked so hard not to get to hopeful, but i did, and it has been rough.  But i will pull through, and i will have faith and i will try again.  And i will  try not to feel like i let my husband down. i loe him soo much! he is an amazing husband and father!  Happy Fathers Day !

emotional! uhg!

So my last post was about clomid, well we have started seeing a new doctor, and we did our first round of clomid with follicle monitoring and an hcg shot!  everything went pretty well, I actually had one very good size follicle, and I did ovulate, but no positive pregnancy!  I then took a break for a month due to family stuff, and hopefully this month can be the month!  I thought I had it all emotionally under control! I thought I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't work.   I thought I would just be okay with the fact that their was always next time, but today I am not feeling okay, today I am on the brink of losing it!!!  I am on the medicine to start my cycle, and then we continue from there, but it hasn't started and I am anxious and scared and nervous and emotional and the thought keeps coming to me, What if this never works? What if we are not supposed to have another child? What if this isn't Gods plan?  And it makes me want to scream and cry!  Maybe it is just the hormones?  I don't know, but the thought of not having another child hurts so bad, and the thought of not trying makes me panic.   
   I know for a lot of people, it never happens. and I just pray that if I become that person I could handle it, but right now I can't.
   I know why these emotions are surfacing, I blame it partially on the hormones, and partially on my brother in law for announcing this morning that they are pregnant again, but this time with twins!!!  I want to be happy for them, I want to shout for joy and celebrate the life of these precious babies, a baby is a wonderful gift from god.  I want to be happy for them, and I have tried every thing, to make myself feel happy for them.  I have prayed all day and thanked my Heavenly Father for every blessing I have ever received,  but the pain is still there.    And the question I will never voice aloud still keeps coming to mind, Why not me?   I know this is my trial, I know this is my refiners fire, and I know personally people who have a lot worse trials in there lives, and I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I am trying not to!   I know my Heavenly Father loves me. And I know someday it won't hurt soo bad, I just hope and pray with my whole soul, that that day will come real soon!

Clomid uhg!

So I have taken clomid multiple times, with no side effects, well not this time! I think I had every side effect I have ever read about!  The hot flashes where the worst! But there was nausea and soreness,  but the hardest was how angry I felt. My poor husband! Everything he said or did annoyed the heck out of me! I was snappy and mean, but I am so grateful that my husband put up with me and all my symptoms!  Hopefully I wont have to take it too many more times!

Emotional Stages of Infertility

  So this is a post that i have thought alot about over the last few years. It is a subject that i don't quite feel like i am qualified to post about, except for the fact that i have experienced every aspect of it. and i have slowly drudged my way through it, and dealt with every stage personally, so this is purely my very own opinion, and my uneducated psychological evaluation, of the stages of emotional grief, that come with infertility! 
  I call it the stages of infertility

The first stage is denial. We all go through the stages where we believe the doctor is wrong, and that it will just take time and we will become pregnant eventually. it is our way of dealing with the pain, it is the easiest way we know how to cope.  We don't want to hurt, so we,deny! But most can't and won't stay in this stage forever.  So then comes the kicker.

  The second stage is anger.
 It is the most powerful of all stages and emotions, it is the stage that can consume and control your life if you let it, I know i did for two too many years. but anger is a natural emotion that everyone feels when they feel betrayed, or forgotten, we don't like to feel hopeless or forgotten so it is only natural to feel anger, for me it was anger at god for putting me through this, anger for making me feel this pain and this emptiness, anger for the hurt i felt every time i saw a new baby , or someone said the were pregnant, anger at my husband for not understanding my anger, anger at myself, for being broken. anger at not being able to live up to the life and plans i had made, anger for not being able to give my daughter a sibling. But mostly just anger at having to feel this pain, cause it hurt, more than i ever thought possible.   it was at this stage that i came to realize, i didn't like myself, i didn't like what and who i had become. I didn't  like the way my marriage was going. I didn't like that i had distanced myself from everyone and everything, because i didn't want to feel the pain that being close to someone could bring.   But sadly the worst part was that i had distanced myself from my heavenly father, because being close to him made me feel, and i didn't want to feel.  But being angry all the time and at everyone, takes so much effort, it is exhausting, i didn't have time or room for anyone or anything else because i was to busy being angry.


And then came the third stage, i call it bargaining, i bargained with the lord alot, to no avail, i told him i would do better, i would be better, i would do what ever he wanted, if he would just give me another child.  bargaining is our way of trying to regain control of the helplessness that we feel,


Then comes the fourth stage  it is a depressing stage , i no longer felt anger which i thought would be refreshing, but at this stage, i felt nothing, and that to me was worse than feeling anger, my mind withdrew all emotion, and for a while it was a relief, to so blissfully feel nothing, a friend said she was pregnant! nothing, no anger, no tears, i could like this, but then it scared me when i couldn't,t emotionally respond to a situation that desperately called for an emotional response.   To this day i fight daily to keep myself from slipping into this emotional nothingness, i am worth more than that, my family deserves better than that!

The fifth stage, it is the stage that i fought for,for 6 years, not everyone reaches this stage, i thank my Heavenly Father daily that i was able to reach this stage.  it i the stage of acceptance, it is truly the most bliss full of all stages, i accept the fact that i have these issues, i accept the fact that my life isn't playing out like i had planned, but you know what, maybe the path my life is taking is better than the path i had planned.  My Heavenly Father is aware of me, and my needs, and he loves me and wants me to be happy.  It is the stage where you quit fighting, and say your will lord, not mine!  It is the stage that you look back on the past years of this battle, and feel immense gratitude for the things you have learned, and the battles you have fought, and you look in the mirror and you see the person staring back at you is someone you never imagined you would see.  And you are stronger and better  for it.   reaching the stage of acceptance, does not mean you have given up hope, and it doesn't mean you don't feel sad or angry sometimes, and it doesn't mean you don't still long for a child. Your human, but you have come to accept that come whatever may come, you will live your life to it's fullest and love it!


So this is Amy's theory of the stages of infertility.  I felt all these emotions, i battled every day to get where i am at today, i have felt the pain and the anger and the helplessness and the nothingness, and finally the acceptance, wherever, you may be in your journey, please know that there is peace and happiness waiting for you, their is light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up, don't quit fighting, fight everyday for happiness, it is worth it, you are worth it,your family is worth it, but most importantly, you can't do it without our Heavenly father, and the love and support of your spouse. 

But happiness is always possible!

The beginning

So just a brief recap to make what I have posted on this blog make sense.
 I did not start out with infertility issues , in fact I was able to get pregnant the first try with my daughter.  so I guess that is what has made this eight year journey so frustrating, I had A child, I was able to conceive and carry her full term, she is eight years old and the most beautiful precious spoiled child ever!   So when we decided to try for another child, and we were not able to conceive , it was  very upsetting and discouraging, and every month it was another emotional roller coaster .  I went through what I call "the emotional stages of infertility".  Basically the stages of grief that those who have lost someone go through.   It has totally and completely changed my life, my thinking, my relationship with my husband, and my relationships with friends and family, at first it changed everything for the worst, especially as I was going through the anger stage, but now I can honestly say that infertility has given me many opportunities that I would never have otherwise have had.  I have made new friends and had the opportunity to help others who also struggle with infertility. I have had to face myself and my decisions, and decide what is really important in my life.
  I would have to say though that through this infertility process their is one relationship that has been challenged more than most, and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father.   I grew up in a very religious home a home where our religion defined how we live our lives.  I grew up knowing that if I did what was good and right, god would bless me, and he did.  I met and married a man of the same beliefs and religion, and we started our marriage out based upon our faith in god and his plan for us.   We knew what we wanted! We wanted a big family, we had both grown up in large families, so when we got pregnant with our daughter, we were sure our lives were going as planned.  But within a year and a half, our lives were not going as planned, and so it tried and tested all my beliefs and faith, not only in god but in myself.  For years it was a constant struggle to act out my daily life and hope no one noticed what I was trying to hide.  I felt deserted, I felt worthless, I felt like a nobody, all because I couldn't get pregnant, and at that point, it seems like every one around you is having babies, which felt like they were just twisting the knife already buried deep in my heart. I could go on forever in this one post but I won't at this moment, I don't know if my blog will get read, I can't decide if I would be upset if it  didn't.  But I have come to learn that the best therapy for me is to write, and so I have decided to dedicate this blog solely to my therapy, my thoughts and feelings and struggles with infertility, I will start at the beginning and work my way to now, I will be honest and blunt about my struggles and about my faith, my faith is my rock, my god is my strength, I learned that I cannot separate god from any part of my life and still make it day by day.  So here goes my hand at blogging, the other post I pulled off my family blog, because they just don't belong there . So they are random and sketchy and don't make sense, but I guess that's how you could describe me, random , sketchy, and sometimes I don't make sense! But that's me! Welcome to my blog, and my journey !

Pain? (january 2012)

I have truly come to know what the scriptures mean when they say past feeling, or hardened your heart! Tonight I came to an astounding discovery about myself. I have become this way about certain trials in my life that I have had to face. I have made the unconscious decision somewhere along this journey that not feeling would be easier than feeling the pain . And so I hardened my heart, to not feel the pain, and tonight, It scared me to realize I could be that way, it scared me to realize I couldn't emotionally feel what I needed to feel, and so it has made me ponder my thoughts and my heart, and to wonder if this unconscious decision to not feel has effected my relationships with my Heavenly Father and my loved ones in any way . And so, I am consciously making the decision to feel . Pain is as big of a part of life as Joy and happiness and you can't feel one without the other, so here's to life! And the pain and joy that come with it!

Hope hurts (feb 2012)

I have been taught my whole life to have faith, and I truly do have faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have faith in their plan for me , and I have faith that I will someday be in there presence and see and talk to them face to face.
But I have also been taught my whole life that the definition of faith is: to hope for things not seen. But can you have faith without hope?
I know every scripture I have ever read combines faith and hope, and a lot of times charity. Are they inseparable virtues?
I have spent many, probably too many nights, laying awake wondering if I could truly have faith without hope, because hope hurts.
I don't know where the line is, or if there is even a line, between faith and hope, or if they could possibly be one in the same, but I want to have faith without the pain that accompanies hope, after my hopes are dashed.
But then I am probably putting my hope in the wrong place.
I should have faith and hope that my Heavenly Father will grant me the peace, and the patients and the endurance to climb the next mountain, just to realize there is another mountain even taller that I must climb, and I know that if I quit hoping, then somewhere along the way i will quit climbing because having faith without hope won't work. So as I climb my mountain and reach the summit, just to realize I must drop into a valley and begin the climb of another, taller mountain, I will hope that on top of one of these mountains, my hopes will be realized. Because I know that no matter how much it hurts, my Savior has already felt that pain for me. I am not climbing my mountains alone, and I am not walking through these valleys unaccompanied. If I will let him, my savior will walk with me, and I know that when I feel I can't climb one more mountain, and I drop to my knees in tears and desperation, he will take my hand and lift my head and give me the strength to climb, and if i cant muster the strength,he will carry me up the next one.
It has happened many times, and I have faith that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, all things are possible.
So I guess I have just answered my own question, no, faith without hope won't work. Because faith is hope!
But I guess i will have to wait to know why hope has to hurt

Joy in the journey (feb 2012)

Faith is an age old concept that I have been taught from a little child, its something that we have always had to strive for. We are taught in primary how to have faith, and we are told of the blessings that come through having faith. In my last post I talked about hope, not an entirely new concept either, but one that I feel I haven't yet grasped the full concept of.  But I am working on it. I t is another one of those concepts that isn't taught as much as faith but I remember it always being paired along with faith.
But my newest, shall we say struggle, is joy! Not happiness, but joy! I am reading the Book of Mormon again this year, and it has been a remarkable experience so far. Things have just jumped out at me like never before. And that is where all my thoughts and questions have been arising from. And so as I read in 2 Nephi chapter 2 where it says men are that they might have joy my thoughts turned to my quest for joy.

I didn't really realize that a person would have to strive for joy, its one of those things that is there. But you have to recognize it, and keep it foremost in your mind or it will slowly fall back below the surface and you will have to seek to get it back again.
    As a newly married couple, my husband and I made plans for our future, we wanted children, six to be exact, we decided not to postpone that decision and a month after we were married, we became pregnant with our daughter. I truly felt joy, not just happiness , but joy, true contentment. We had decided that I would not work, I would have the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and I was so excited to raise my children. Our daughter was born and our joy increased. she was so perfect and such an easy baby, I look back with regret that our lives where so hectic and busy that I didn't get to savor every single moment of her baby hood. But I think every mother feels a certain amount of regret.
Hannah was a year old when we found out I had PCOS. I had cysts on my ovaries, that would make it hard for us to get pregnant again, but we had hope and kept trying, and trying, and we started to lose hope and I went through the emotional stages of infertility, as I call them. There was denial, pain and guilt, and anger , depression. all of these horrible feelings that left no room for joy, and sadly not enough room to cherish and relish each and every moment of Hannah's early childhood.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a mom and I loved spending time with her, and we did so much together, but I felt as if my mind was so consumed with wanting another child, that I missed so many opportunities to cherish and find joy in the one I have.
Four years after Hannah was born I realized something had to change, I couldn't let infertility define who I was or how I lived my life, I started working through my feelings, I started where I should have started years before.
 With my Heavenly father.  I knelt down and for the first time asked for his help in getting through this, instead of asking him to give me what I want. I decided it was time for me to take my life back and find me and find joy and stop living in the future, and start living now. That is when joy started coming back in my life. Things started getting better. My husband and I had a better relationship, I had more time with Hannah, and I was joyful!
But then Hannah turned five, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. most parents are not ready for there child to start school, but for me it was ten times harder. I was 26 years old and not ready for my life as I had planned it, to change, what was I supposed to do?  I had never thought that at 26 I would be an "empty nester". I had planned on still having children at home, still being needed, and it wasn't setting right with me. I started to let myself lose a hold on my joy. I started sinking back to what I didn't want to be.
But my Heavenly father has blessed me with a wonderful husband who knew what would happen and continue to happen if I continued on the path I was on. So my husband encouraged me to work part time helping my sister do catering, and I started collage. All in the same month Hannah went to kindergarten.
I was so busy I couldn't dwell on my lack of , when my cup was running over.
She is now in first grade, and I still hope for another child, and I still pray that one day my dreams of a big family will come true, and It still hurts when I see a little baby, or find out someone is pregnant again.
But I will continue to have faith and strive for hope and seek for joy, because I know I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he has a plan for me.  I have a husband who loves me so much and I have been granted the gift of being the mother of one of Heavenly Fathers most precious daughters.  And I love her with all my heart and soul. She is my joy, and my cup runneth over.

Beautiful heartbreak. (march 2012)

This morning was one of those beautiful spring mornings that just call to your soul.
It rained all day yesterday, So as the sun was slowly rising this beautiful spring morning, it almost felt like a new world, everything seemed so new and so clear and so clean. The wind was blowing through the trees and bringing with it the earthy aroma of damp leaves and trees. And the fragrant smells of spring! It was an amazing morning, and as I returned home after dropping Hannah off at school I couldn't bring myself to go inside. So I grabbed the dog and we went for a walk.
I couldn't help but admire Gods beautiful creations around me, I couldn't help but feel so blessed to be here right now at this very moment. I couldn't help but to be so amazed and so humbled to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
It was one of those odd moments when for the hour I was walking time seemed to slow down, and I was seeing things differently than I have in a long time. Every bird seemed to be out, singing of a beautiful day! That was until the dog decided they needed to fly away!
And as I was walking a song that I truly love, came to mind, It's called beautiful Heartbreak. There was a part of the song that made me realize what I was truly experiencing this morning.

"I had it all mapped out in front of me, I knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in front of me. I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around. Broken hearted I started climbing, and at the top I found. That every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through, was the price that I paid to see this view, and now that I am here, I would never trade. The grace that I feel, and the faith that I find, through the bittersweet tears, and the sleepless nights. I used to pray he would take it all away. But instead it became, a beautiful heartbreak! I never dreamed my heart would make it, and I thought about turning around. But heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. So I take the rain with the sunshine, cause there is one thing I know.  He picks up the pieces along each broken road."

I wouldn't trade a moment of my life, I wouldn't trade the pain or the heartbreak. Because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. This morning I had the opportunity to see some of Gods amazing creations, and to bask in his light, and I feel truly blessed to be here where I am at this time. No, it is not how I planned it, but he sees the bigger picture, and he knows what mountains I need to climb to see the beauty in my life. And so I will love my beautiful heartbreak!

Here we go........Again! (march 2012)

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my dreaded yearly check up!
But as the doctor so clearly stated, I am at a very high risk for ovarian cancer so I feel it important to torture myself with these appointments!
On the bright side I have lost weight since my last appointment!

But Collins and I still have a great desire to have another child and I talked to the doctor about going through that process again! We have taken a break from the fertility treatments for about a year and a half now, it was too emotionally draining, to get your hopes up, and then find out it isn't going to happen this time.
So we are starting at square one again! But I feel like this time I am better mentally and emotionally prepared for the roller coaster ride!
I have spent many many hours learning all I can about PCOS and the effects it has on the body and the hormones.
I have just recently come to discover the diet I will be following to give the meds the best shot they can, and most importantly, I feel my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my husband has strengthened more so that I can get through this emotionally with their help, better than last time!
It is amazing to realize how much we all take for granted every single day! I am as guilty as the next person. But taking for granted the love and support I get from my Heavenly Father, and my wonderful husband, is something I will not do.
For those who have not struggled to have a child, you are so blessed, to each his own trial in life, each is so different and each is just as trying as the next. but this trial has tried my faith and my relationship with my husband as well as with my Heavenly Father, and I am not proud to say that sometimes I let it get the best of me, but I feel that nothing could have given me the strength and the faith I have gained, like this trial has. let me clarify, I do not want this trial by any means!!! But I am grateful for the place it has brought me too in my life!
So as I sit here, trying to get my head back in the game and prepare myself for the roller coaster that is to come, I am reminded of a quote by Gordan B Hinckley, " Keep trying, be believing, Don't get discouraged, things will work out!!!! So here is to hope! once again here we go!


Jeffery R Holland "Some blessings come soon, Some blessings come late, and some don't come until heaven. but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come!"

To scared to try (july 2012)

So as I said we are starting the fertility process again, I went to the doctor in June, it is now August , and I have yet to go get the tests done I am supposed to. Why you may wonder? I was wondering why I always seem to come up with an excuse, and so I will admit, I am scared. I am terrified that it won't work, I am terrified of the pain of hoping. I am scared of every aspect of the emotions that I will feel. But I want this so badly, so it is a matter of does the fear out way the desire? I am searching for the balance and I hope to find it soon, I am just so scared.

To scared to hope( Aug 2012)

So I did the lab tests the doctor ordered. I got up the courage and did them.
The doctor just called and gave me some of the results, and said we are just waiting on the other tests and then we will move forward with the meds and shots and everything else.
I am so excited but scared at the same time!
My baby will be eight in a few months, its been almost seven years of this emotional roller coaster of infertility, and I am so scared to hope.
The thoughts of everything working and going as planned, and me possibly being pregnant by Halloween, My mind cannot comprehend that actually happening, I have trained myself so well not to get excited or get my hopes up, but this is a real possibility.
But I am scared it wont work, and I am scared of a miscarriage, and I am scared of feeling the hope and then the loss.
I want to be optimistic, I want to have faith, I want to hope, I want to feel joy over this whole process.
I just have to retrain my mind to not be pessimistic, but that would mean bringing my guard down, and opening up and giving my heart the opportunity for more pain. Am I ready for this? I have wanted this for almost seven years! And yet the thought scares me to no end.
Am I brave enough? Am I Strong enough? Can I do this? I hope so, but I am scared!

frusterated and discouraged (sept 2012)

So our plans have changed again, and I am so frustrated. Is this ever going to happen? Are we ever going to have another child? I was starting to get excited, and I was starting to let myself feel hope, and I was starting to believe, and now this? Are we not supposed to try? Are we not supposed to have another child?
Sometimes I would love to kneel down and plead with my Heavenly Father to show me the end result so I can live with the present circumstances! I know at one point in this long journey I knelt down and angrily told my Heavenly Father that he better make the end result worth all this pain, cause I had spent my whole life doing what I was supposed to and I didn't deserve this. But that is when I was angry and wasn't dealing with this trial as well as I should. But I have learned, and I look back and realize that my Heavenly Father has given me life and everything in my life I owe to him! But I still can't help but wonder what he has in store for me, and wonder, will I ever carry another child? And am I to the point in my life where I should give up and move on? It still hurts just typing that, so , no, I am not ready to give up yet, I just hope and pray that whatever the lord has in store for me I can accept and find peace in.

Random thoughts of crazy woman(oct 2012)

So do you ever think you have it all figured out finally, and then something has to throw your life for a loop, again.
I thought I had it all planned out, we were going to try the fertility treatments last month, they were going to work, and we were going to have a baby again! pretty simple, right?
You would think I would have learned by now that my plans, and the Lords plans don't always follow the same direct path.
We found out that we will be moving soon, my husband got a new job and so we decided that it would probably not be the best time to move forward with the fertility treatments. We decided that this would not be the ideal time for me to be pregnant when 90% of the work of moving will be up to me.
But as I am typing this, all I can feel is like I just gave up my one shot at another child.
I don't know why it feels like that, I don't want to feel like that, but it does.
I started to let myself feel like this might be reality, and it is not going to happen now, and I don't know how it ever can.

I am excited for my husband, I am excited for this new start for all of us. This job is something he has wanted for so long, he has dreamed of this job and he has worked so hard to get this job, and it is opening so many opportunities for him.
But I can't help but sort of feel like we traded one dream for another.
Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel like I need to give up and just except what is, I will be 30 next year, and that is really hard to think about, not because of the aging thing, I don't care about age, you are as young as you feel!
But 30 signifies a major change in child bearing years, 30 means your on your way out of those years, 30 means you are running out of time.   When do you say ok, I am too old to try? When do you admit defeat? I know you don't at 30, but when? If we have another child, they will at least be 8years younger than Hannah.

I guess what is still bothering me is I have a thousand questions, and not any answers.
I am still emotionally in denial that we are moving, I shut down emotionally so that I can physically act, I am going through the motions of moving, I am packing, and tying up loose ends, I am getting everything ready physically.  I am just afraid of when those emotions are finally going to catch up, they do, they always do.
So this is my random post, and my random thoughts, I find it is best to pull them out of my head and put them else where so I can get my head back in the game.
I worry and I fret and I think how in the heck are we going to do this? And what on earth are we actually doing? But it all comes down ultimately, to the fact that my Heavenly Father loves me, and he is in charge, and he knows what he is doing.  I just have to have the faith, and the patience to give him my hand, and say, take me wherever thou wants me to go, your will not mine.


  

In Denial (Nov 2012)

 So I officially realized, I am in denial about the whole moving situation, the only thing I cant deny is the fact that my husband has already started his new job, and is therefore absent from our lives at this moment. So I sit here and in the back of my mind I pretend that he will walk through that door any moment and our lives will go back to normal, and I wont have to emotionally deal with the heartache of moving! So I just said everything I have been denying. And I cant seem to kick my butt in gear and get it all done and ready to go, because I am still in emotional shut down mode, as I like to call it!
I have emotionally trained myself to not feel or react emotionally to anything because it will hurt and be painful. So I subconsciously choose not to feel. I hate it when I get to this stage, I have been working so hard to get out of this mode, but today I don't have the drive, and it is driving me crazy!!!
I didn't realize I had slipped into this "mode" until about a year ago, and it really frustrated me.
I realize through this whole infertility process my mind had to find a way to cope, and so it resorted to this feeling nothing, but I have worked so hard and have been doing so good, until now.
So I start at square one, I force myself to go through the emotions of doing what I am supposed to do, and along the way, I will myself to feel the emotions I know I need more than anything to feel! And I hope and pray I can get through this move quickly and be back together as a family, cause when he is away, I am more lost than I thought possible!

Blogging (Nov 2012)

 So I have realized that my blog has evolved from a blog about our family events, to a personal blog in which I have shared my feelings and thoughts about what is going on in my personal life, mostly about our battle with infertility.
I have come to realize that I need somewhere to vent and to explain and sometimes just empty my thoughts. And I don't particularly care to share with the whole world, but the thought that maybe, just maybe someone reads my blog and they can relate, or it helps them realize they are not alone in their struggles. That thought motivates me to write. My blog is not entertaining, most the time it is not even informational, but it is mine! And I have no idea who or if anyone reads it but it helps me.
And so I write. I have started a new chapter in my life, by first moving to a new state and a new town, twelve hours from the place we called home! It has been an adventure, and as I spend this first week , trying to get our lives in order, I wonder if things will ever feel the same again? Or do I even want them to be the same again? Moving has challenged me a lot! My husband is fond of telling me that when I get in my comfort zone I am so stubborn that it will take a miracle to get me out of it! Well I am 12 hours from my comfort zone, I am 12 hours from our families, I am twelve hours from the life we have known for the past 8 1/2 years. I think I was in denial when we started applying for jobs elsewhere, I guess I thought that we wouldn't get the job? Not because my husband isn't qualified, he is the most talented, hard working man I know! but I guess my comfort zone had made me sooo comfortable that I failed to seek for the inspiration from my Heavenly Father. So the day we got the email offering him the job, was the day I realized I was not prepared for this. As I have previously posted, moving was a real challenge and trial for me, but as we are finally moved, and we have been here 5 days, I am beginning to see the inspiration in this move, I am beginning to feel immense gratitude for my Father in Heaven and my awesome husband in getting me out of my comfort zone, so that I can feel and experience these new things, no it is not a piece of cake, but it is like I get the opportunity to start new! To start fresh, and to find me!! I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and he knows me and knows what is best for me, and my stubbornness! And he has greatly blessed me with an amazing companion, who is the best thing that ever happened to me!

My New blog

So I have decided to start a new blog, this one dedicated to my thoughts and feelings, and the other one dedicated to our family events. So i will attempt to move some of my other posts over here and seperate my" Infertility struggles", from our everyday family life! so here it goes!